So I was thinking about this last night, and I said to myself, "Sego, you're so boring these days!" And I'm not all about appealing to the lowest common denominator or writing really insane stuff, but darn it! This whole being sensitive and discreet is oppressive. I'm breaking free.
Of course, there's not that much to say. These days I'm a little frustrated. Sometimes you give all you can, but you just don't get the results you want. Sometimes things just don't come together. That's probably why it's important to teach our kids that trying our best isn't always enough. An "A for Effort" is nice, but an "A" for results is better... know what I mean?
Take me, for instance. As it is merely January 28, the resolutions are still fresh in my mind. I'm happy to say that in lots of ways, I'm making some real progress. I've had a habit I've been trying to break, and so far, I've not given in to temptation once this year. Every day, I put a little check mark in my calendar to show that I made it through the day. Also, I'm doing better adding some good things into my life. Also in my calendar, I've got another little mark for every day I get a good workout in, for example. On that one, I'm probably only at half of the days this year. It's not bad, but it's not where I want to be yet. And because I'm only giving 50 percent effort, I seem to be getting 0 percent results. Oh, I'm sore all right, and I'm upping my resistance with the weights and with the bikes and ellipticals and treadmills. Major calorie cutting while still meeting general good health guidelines? I'm on it. I'm conditioning for sure, but I'm still not seeing one bit of difference in the way my clothes fit or the number on the scale. Still, am I stopping? Nope. Not at all. I think sometimes we need to remember that we won't necessarily get rewarded right away. It's like the time my friends and I were talking about some comedy bit by Chris Rock or Dave Chapelle (sorry I can't remember who it was, though I do remember the embarrassing fallout from telling someone this story-- parenthetical explanation to follow)-- whoever said it was talking about how kids today say, "But I deserve this reward. I mean, I've never gone to jail!" The point, of course, is just because you haven't been to jail doesn't make you particularly deserving of some grand prize (and for the record and to clarify to my friends who have been to jail, just because you go certainly doesn't mean that you are a lost cause or not a good person). Anyway, this rambling just amounts to me saying I've got some things (lots of things) I need to work on. I'm on it. It's slow. It's painful. It's embarrassing and I wish I were already perfect in these areas. I may never get there, but I also will never stop chipping away at it.
Another thing I'm working on this year-- not worrying so much what people think of me. Of course we all want to be liked, but for whatever reason, sometimes it doesn't work out. Once in college, I knew this guy who told me that the very thought of me made him want to vomit. Ouch, right? That's right up there with the guy who told me I had the best personality but I'm just not physically attractive. Part of me still wants to drop-kick these guys, but you know what? They taught me a lesson. That some people have really warped ideas and bad taste! Just kidding. But that you can't please everyone, so you at least ought to be true to yourself. When I asked the former subject just what it was that repulsed him so much about me, he said that I couldn't take a hint, and that the meaner and ruder he was to me, the nicer I was. Well, ok. I'm dense, but at least I'm generally nice. I'm at peace with it.
So how does this translate to the current Rachel life? Well, take my latest pseudo-relationship, for example. I gave it the old college try. I really thought that hey, maybe this will work a little better than all the others. And it was good, and I'm far enough from it now that I've got some good perspective. But the bottom line was I couldn't fix what was wrong with the guy and I couldn't make him like me enough by changing myself. So am I sad he's phased me out? Yeah. But that doesn't mean I'm not getting back in the saddle.
Another thing that's a little hard-- trying to do things that require other people's help or participation. I had these big grand plans to go on a trip, but for very good reasons, my traveling companions have nearly all backed out. So now I'm stuck. BUT you know what? Sometime I will go on my trip, even if it means going alone. Is it what I pictured for myself? No. But I'm learning to picture new possibilities. Last night, I had a dream where I was in a situation I'd never imagined, with people I'd never considered. It was eye-opening-- the kind of thing that could be life-changing. Or maybe it was just a nice dream. We'll see how it all shakes down. Regardless, I'm still carving out an extraordinary life, and I imagine the trials will be footnotes in my lifestory, burried in the chapters of adventure.