Here's the story of a lovely lady, and her quest for love. Or, the story of me at a restaurant.
So the other day, I was at a certain Albuquerque establishment-- a chain where all the food is fried and comes from the water (two things I'm super not into)-- with my mom, "Aunt" Trish, sister and brother-in-law. I'd never been there before, and while the company was pleasant, the food was not really my thing, so I doubt I'll go back.
There was a really nice boy there. He was our waiter. His name is Adam F. He had red hair.
Now, lest you get the idea I'm a stalker, let me assure you I'm not. I LOVE name tags, and I love calling people by their names (which is a little embarrassing when people aren't using the correct name tag, or when they've got a funny-spelling on what should be an easy name-- like "Shado" [Shadow] from Furr's). This is an every day occurrence with me. I also always make note of people's names when they are helping me over the phone. It's simply polite.
Well, anyway, in my typical exuberance and effervescence, I called Adam by his name the whole night, and was pleased to learn we have a mutual love of honey mustard. He was a good waiter, on the whole.
But my sweet family, including Aunt Trish, were teasing me that I should leave my phone number.
Um, I Can't Do That. Can I?
I didn't. It just seems way too creepy.
As we left the restaurant, my brother-in-law told me he'd gone back and written my number on my ticket. I hit him in the stomach. But I was oddly disappointed when he told me he was kidding.
So that would be the end of the story, but I've managed to get myself into a bit of a pickle.
Coming up in a week and a half: High School Reunion, Part 2. And yesterday, in the spirit of getting a good deal (they were $10 off), I purchased a couple ticket. Oops. I'm not part of a couple! I'm not even close!
Further complicating my life is the fact that said event happens the Saturday after Thanksgiving, when so many of my boy friends will be out of town. I panicked. I scrolled through the contact list in my phone. The boys I know who were not going out of town are either married, in a relationship, gay, living out of state/country, socially unacceptable/unhygienic, or otherwise not good options. And I can't take a girl, because I already went to prom with a girl (thanks Josette!) but I don't want people thinking I'm into women (and no offense to my lesbian friends-- I'm not hatin', I just don't want to give off the wrong impression). Someone suggested I take one of my good-looking cousins, but a) ew, b) one cousin used to seriously date one of my high school chums and I don't want to create an awkward situation for him, and c) another one of my cousins probably already made out with all the girls in my graduating class, so it could turn into a cat fight. Anyway, all around, I'm hitting roadblocks, and it would have simply been easier if Robert HAD left my number for Adam F. Boo.
So, sorry for the long explanation, but the point is, I need a date. Stat. And not just any old fellow will do. Therefore, I'm going to throw myself at the mercy of the Internet, and see if I can find someone decent to take to the reunion, so I won't have wasted a big chunk of my discretionary income on a stupid couple ticket.
However, I don't just want to say, "Hey guys, set me up!" because let's be honest, there are a lot of weirdos out there. So here's the deal:
Below is the application for a date. Copy and paste the questionnaire, complete the essay, and send a photo to email@example.com
before midnight, Saturday, November 21, MDT. A panel of judges including the current van-time girls will make a decision to be posted by the following Monday.
Winner will receive the opportunity to go with me to the LLHS Class of 1999 reunion, held November 28 (a $35 value).
Rules and Regulations:
1. No purchase necessary, but extra points will be given to those who send flowers (and remember, roses are for the unimaginative) or other appropriate gifts.
2. Rachel reserves the right to nix any application for any reason.
3. There will be no hanky-panky on this date. I am a Mormon, and I have a huge personal-space bubble, so basically you can only touch my arms, unless I give you permission otherwise.
4. Winner agrees to not do anything embarrassing, including, but not limited to.... wait, I don't think I want to say, simply because it might give you ideas. But there will be no drinking or smoking. No drugs. No visits to tattoo parlors or body-piercing shops. Wearing a lampshade is acceptable.
5. Judges will look at complete contest application, but please know you will be evaluated on myriad criteria. Kirsten will determine if you are hot. Pam will judge if you are nice and funny. Lou will decide if you are smart enough/socially acceptable. Should Tresann, a VT alum, choose to participate in the judging process, she will rate your spirituality. I'll be looking for things like social causes, and what we'll call the ha-cha-cha factor.
6. Certain applicants will be given extra points based solely on their existence and participation. For example, were Matt Lauer, Eric Christensen, Calvin and Jake from MBP
, Andrew Stewart, or Mister West to apply for the position, they'd get 30,000 gratis points. Just so you know.
7. Rachel reserves the right to add any rules whenever she wants. Because it's the blogger way.
OK, THE QUESTIONNAIRE: (Remember to copy and paste your answers [and a picture] into the body of an email, and submit before Midnight MDT, Saturday, November 21)
Section I: Basic Information
Why/How you got that nickname:
Hair Color (and don't worry, bald/balding is beautiful):
Eye Color (not that I care, but people always ask this):
Section II: Multiple Choice
1) My life ambition is to
a. Be President of the United States
b. Save the world from peril like a superhero
d. Write the great American Novel
e. Other (Please Specify) ________________________
2. When it comes to footwear, my tootsies are usually adorned with
a. White sneakers (this is a hint-- if you choose this, you're probably gonna get dumped)
b. Flip Flops
c. Hiking boots
d. Cowboy boots
e. Converse All Stars-- Hi-Tops
f. Converse All Stars-- Lo-Tops
g. Square-toed dress shoes
h. Rounded dress shoes/loafers
g. Slip on Skater Shoes
h. Slip on shoes-- other (like those ugly velour ones)
i. Other (Please Specify) _________________________
3. Of course I love America! But if I were to be an expatriate, I'd love to live in
g. Other (Please Specify) __________________________
4. I work out enough to
a. Throw someone over my shoulder
b. Break someone's neck
c. Say that I go to the gym and have people not laugh
d. walk from the couch to the television
e. none of the above
5. Politically, I'd categorize myself as
a. Radical Liberal
b. Radical Moderate
c. Radical Conservative
d. I don't vote, because I'm a moron
6. Were Rachel to listen to my iPod, she'd most likely hear a lot of
a. The Smiths
b. Willie Nelson
c. Will Smith
Section III: True or False
7. I regularly attend Renaissance Fairs or ride a unicycle. T/F
8. I kiss on the first date. T/F
9. I consider myself a man's man. T/F
10. I am a member of the NRA. T/F
11. I recycle. T/F
12. At football games, I like to think about how great it would be to put tracking devices in the ball so the refs could be more fair, and I like to criticize outrageous fans. T/F
13. I plan to be rich someday, and I've got a plan in place for this, plus back-up plans. T/F
14. Disneyland is the Happiest Place on Earth, in my opinion. T/F
15. I cry at chick flicks. T/F
16. I do dishes, willingly. T/F
17. I believe it's a woman's job to change all dirty diapers. T/F
18. I've done time in jail/prison. T/F
19. I love animals. T/F
20. My speech and writing is not generally peppered with vulgarity or red flags of illiteracy. T/F
Part IV: Essay
Now comes the fun part. Tell me why I should go on a date with you, and specifically why you should be my date for the Reunion. 500 words or less, please.
Alternate Essay Topic: In 500 words or less, flatter me.
Good luck! Winners will be announced by Monday, November 23 at Noon.