I still believe in second chances

Every year my good Catholic friends observe the Lenten season. Similarly, our brothers and sisters who follow the Islamic faith faithfully fast during Ramadan. Talk about admirable, and talk about true commitment.

As a Mormon, I fast at least the first Sunday of every month. I do this because it's a commandment, and because it shows my own commitment to God. It is an exercise of faith, and my faith is strengthened as I am true to such commandments.

What I've been thinking, though, is that my friends of other faiths may have something with the longer season of fasting. Growing up, I'd hear the kids at school talk about what they (or their parents) were giving up for Lent. I in no way want my actions to be misconstrued as irreverent, sacrilegious or done in a spirit of derision, but I think I'll start a little personal tradition for myself and be a Mormon giving something up for Lent (I realize I'm a little late, but the idea has been percolating for the last several days). However, rather than give up smoking or sweets (I don't smoke, but those 100-Calorie packs are sometimes the best thing in the world and probably help me be a little healthier with only modest indulgences), I've decided that in the spirit of the sacrificial season I'm going to give up a bad habit. Of course, I'm hoping that by giving it up for the six weeks I'll be able to give it up for good. I'm giving up being sarcastic and mean.

You know, I always thought of myself as a pretty nice person. I try to be generous, I try to lend a listening ear, and if someone needs something I'm (usually) more than happy to help in any way I can. I look for opportunities to serve. I learned at an early age the value of treating people like they are the most important in the world. I offer sincere compliments freely, and I thank people for their kindnesses.

Of course, anyone who knows anything about me also knows I'm FAR from being an angel. I make so many mistakes! While I feel good about my frankness in telling my friends, family, coworkers, etc. about their greatness, that lack of a typical social filter also opens me up to feeling like I can say whatever is on my mind. It's every bit as much of a curse as a blessing to have no secrets.

And somehow over the past few months (years?) I feel like I've gotten worse on this score. I know that I'm good with words and I could tear someone apart in an instant if I didn't keep things in check, but the new, insidious tactic of sarcasm has crept in and over this period of time I've used it to justify saying whatever I want. That's not good.

My wake-up call came about a week ago. Last Friday a friend had invited me to go to a movie with him and his sister. I think the world of this fellow, actually. I'd give almost anything to spend time with himhe's just such a quality individual. However, I don't often get that kind of an opportunity. We're busy people. Anyway, about a month ago we had a little incidentnothing reallybut it kind of hurt my feelings and I guess I've been letting it fester. It's a destructive thing to do, but in my own weird way of trying to guard my feelings, I was letting little inconsiderations like him calling at the last minute bother me, and in the classic girl way, adding them to this arsenal. I kept telling myself that it was ok to remember how annoyed I was because it would keep me from liking said gentleman more than I should.

Anyway, all that said, we went to the movie, and it was lovely. Afterwards, I was invited to have dinner with my friend and his family. At first, I politely declined because I had already planned to go to the gym. I know, I know. But when you are trying trim seconds off your mile, you can get a little obsessive. And, as much as I hate to admit it, there was kind of a pride factor at work and the old annoyance of being propositioned at the last possible minute (most rational people would look at this as just a nice gesture on his partsee? I'm insane). When he suggested saving some leftovers for me, the inner-sarcastic beast came roaring out. I think I said, "Well, do you think dim sum freezes? Because, let's see. I haven't seen you for about two months, so if it's going to be another two months, that'll put us almost in May. Oh! Perfect. My birthday is in May." Ouch. I think my initial intent was just to be funny, but gosh! I've pretty much guaranteed that I'll never get a call from this guy again. It's agonizing. I've been too paralyzed to apologize properly. That will probably be the first step in truly giving up being such a snotapologizing. Wish me luck on that.

The thing is, I can't afford to lose good friends like the one I just skewered with my rudeness. I don't have that many good friends, and I couldn't be more angry with myself for treating anyone with so much venomous behaviorespecially someone I hold in the highest regard.

The plan: Apologize for the wrongs. Cease and desist from the rudeness. Replace these habits with more kindnessmore of the true Rachel.

I think part of it is I'm going through a stage of not knowing exactly who the true Rachel is. I know what my overall ambitions are, but I'm having a hard time getting to them. I've been looking for answers and plans in books like the "Bohemian Manifesto" and "The Bombshell Manual of Style" and "What Would Jackie Do?" I've tried to figure out what next to tackle with "2,001 Things to do Before You Die" and "The Wish List." But for the next six weeks, I'm going to abandon some of those pursuits of discovering who I want to be next in favor of getting in touch with who I once wasa nice person.