Book Review and Related Thoughts: "Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man"

I'm not a typical Oprah Winfrey-watcher, but Monday's episode was thought-provoking enough that I checked out her latest endorsement: Steve Harvey's New York Times Bestseller, "Act like a Lady, Think Like a Man." As a matter of fact, I tried to purchase this book on Monday evening, so great was the intrigue. It was sold-out at my local bookstore, and a store employee told me it was extremely popular.

Last night I not only purchased, but read all of "Lady/Man." Here's the premise:

Harvey suggests women are often unsuccessful in love because they expect men to demonstrate their love in the same way women do. Where women are nurturing and compassionate, Harvey submits men show love through Professing (which is not so much telling a woman he loves her, but staking claim on her through giving her a title and using it around people important to him), Protecting (rather self-explanatory), and Providing. He suggests that when women either a) do not let a man fulfill these three roles/duties (perhaps because a woman is capable or successful and does not appear to need them) or b) does not demand that the man in her life does so (by expecting him to pay for things, fix things, actually make her the girlfriend instead of the booty call, etc.), the relationship will not succeed. He also suggests men have three primary drives: Who he is, What he does, and How much Money He Makes. Harvey says a man who is not clear or comfortable with any of the three drives is not ready for a relationship, so a woman looking for meaningful companionship with such a man is merely spinning her wheels. Finally, Harvey reveals men need three things from women: Support, Loyalty and Sex. If he can't get all three things from the woman in his life, he'll find another woman (or an additional one, in some cases).

Harvey has plenty of advice for women looking for quality men. The best advice is for women to get some standards-- if a man is walking all over a woman, it's because she's letting him. He offers questions to be asked throughout the early stages of the relationship to help a woman determine if a man is even worth her time and if they'll fit into one another's life plans. He gives thoughtful suggestions for implementing accountability in men and urges his female readers to employ such methods without fear, asserting that any man worth his salt would not be scared off by the tactics (which are mostly another set of questions). Harvey humorously tells women how it is-- or at least the way he interprets things.

"Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man" on the whole was an easy-read (three enjoyable hours, I'd say), and rather entertaining. While not without problems (chiefly Harvey's explanation of men's sex drives and reasons for cheating come across as justifications), the book has merit, and many women (and perhaps men) would benefit from taking a look at it. Women who better understand how men work are always more empowered, and the book spins the "He's just not that into you" reasoning into a more palatable medicine (read: "You don't want that d-bag anyway!"). Men ought to be aware of what Harvey is selling here, because the ladies in their lives are all going to be reading this book (Oprah has that effect on people, you know), and expecting more from their men. Harvey says no to women paying, women driving on dates, and women giving out sexual freebies. While some of his sentiments appear at face-value a bit chauvinistic and backward, the move of nouveau feminism to a less-angry, more traditional woman's role softening the demands of her bra-burning, suffragette, pioneer sisters-in-the-cause may allow for a more accepting audience than Harvey would have found in say, the 1970s. This book will quite likely become the next fad in relationship lit, following predecessors, "Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus," "The Rules," and the aforementioned, "He's Just Not that Into You." Right or wrong, the book is gonna make waves.

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Initially, I listened to Harvey's spiel on Oprah and thought of how many of my gal-pals would benefit from the messages. Two of my loveliest and closest friends have recently experienced some heartache on this front, and I wanted to run out and buy the book for them. But I'll admit, part of my interest in this book was personal. Singles self-help books are embarrassing to buy or borrow, but often empowering to read, particularly when one is doing a little spring-cleaning of the boyfriends.

How I wish I'd read this book Tuesday night in preparation for Wednesday's less-than-excruciating, but far-from-engaging date. On my own, I was able to explain to the young chap who took me to dinner (but didn't leave a tip! I was mortified, but couldn't figure out a way to slip back into the restaurant to leave one myself, as Miss Manners and Dear Abby always caution against calling people out on their bad manners-- they say it's just as rude as the original offense. So I think in the next day or so I'm going to have to drop by and ask that some money I leave for waiter Jose will be accepted with my greatest apologies for my date's uncouth behavior), that while I greatly appreciated his interest, time, and the money he spent on me, I am starting a sabbatical and not accepting future dates at present. You know, the old, "It's not you, it's me" approach. Even though it was totally him. It worked perfectly well, but I'm not sure the speech will help him in the long-run. In all likelihood, this young man probably thinks he still stands a chance (which truthfully, and as kindly as I can put it, he never actually did), and in the meantime will probably ask other girls on dates and fail to leave tips at future restaurants. Could I have helped him be a better candidate for someone else down the road if I'd said something? We may never know. All through dinner, he did brag about how cheap he is, so perhaps not.

However, I am pleased to have read the book last night, if for no other reason than the call to action Lady/Man provides: to not let men treat me like dog poo. When an erstwhile suitor contacted me this morning regarding an upcoming date, I was better prepared. When he told me that rather than carry out our original plans, he'd prefer to reschedule so he could watch basketball, I told him I was busy. This was not a lie. I have every intention of spending my Saturday evening in support of a friend in his hobby and pursuit of musical dreams, so why in the world would I cancel something I like and in support of someone whose feelings I care about to spend time with someone who thinks so little of my feelings? Gosh, this whole entry is a big run-on-filled, stream-of-consciousness, but I think you can hear the passion behind it.

"Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man" did not change my life, but it strengthened some resolves. In the bigger spring-cleaning of my lifestyle, paradigms and procedures, I'd already determined a few things which I'd like to share publicly, if only to give myself some extra accountability:

1) It's generally better to be tactfully and kindly honest, rather than cruelly fostering a false sense of hope. I not only appreciate the men who treat me with this courtesy, but I also am resolved to return the favor. If this means speaking up and asking the strange boy I was polite enough to dance with to refrain from rubbing my shoulder in a creepy way or to kindly tell someone I'm not remotely interested in that I am flattered, but I'd prefer to stay friends, so be it. I hope this will aid in my greater goal of considering others' feelings.

2) I'm quite over my earlier Holly Golightly stage. While I have enjoyed my former status of unattainable wonder-- the social butterfly everyone knows and watches, even if only out of morbid curiosity-- the time has come for me to stop flitting and fluttering from one unacceptable young man to another. A girl in my former party shoes always has to wonder if it's her, or the status of holding the captured prey hostage for a few weeks, that is attracting pursuers. I don't want to be a tragic beauty longed for in an F. Scott Fitzgerald story any more than I want to be an immature Juliet, stumbling across a lovelorn Romeo, looking for a replacement or flavor of the month. No more kissing a best boy friend only to see how it feels or some other nincompoop because there's nothing better to do with my time. All this leads to problems in the end (and thank goodness, no mouth sores-- ew! But that is a miracle, my friends, a miracle indeed). All these former behaviors were selfish and self-destructive. Besides, I have plenty of other, and better, things to do. Like learn how to REALLY play the piano or to finally write that book. I need to learn to love the outdoors instead of hanging out in a tanning bed for a counterfeit and dangerous glow. I need to not be afraid of dirt under my fingernails (so long as it's temporary) as I get out and landscape my awful, weedy property. Actually, it wouldn't hurt me to just finally walk the property line. See? All better than kissing the cheaters, and cheating myself out of good things.

3) I will extend my "dating" rules to other social aspects of my life. I can no longer spend time with those who treat me like a mere convenience, male or female. While all friendships ebb and flow in giving and receiving, there ought to be a mutual concern and love one for another. When tragedies, great or small, strike in our lives, it's rarely at a convenient time. But there is no justification for abandonment. My friends need the same things I crave: companionship, laughter, the lifting of hands which hang down, a cheering section/fan club, a listening ear, and acceptance. I'm happy to say I'm not too tired to keep up on the giving end, and can report that doing so is energizing. But for those phasing me out in favor of something better coming along, I think I'll be OK in loosening the ties-- not in malice, but in self-preservation. I'm not out to give anyone their comeuppance, but to merely fade from the pack, to remain as a memory of good times past. I'd prefer to live on as a happy memory than a thorn in the side. Call it pride or whatever you like, but I feel OK pulling myself out of circulation for a time.

4) I am happy to start with a clean slate. It's become clear very quickly whose friendship and company I cannot do without. For those on the fence, I'm trying to carefully add them back one at a time in an effort to separate the wheat from the tares. Thank you, Steve Harvey, for helping me say no when necessary.