Spilling Beans

Have you ever had a secret that you were itching to tell, but you knew you weren't supposed to? Did it ever drive you so crazy that you were completely unable to do anything but dwell on it? That is me today. Yes, this is my second post of the day. Yes, I've been on Facebook all day long instead of doing my paperwork that I desperately need to catch up on. Yes, I posted two photo albums of my trip, texted friends, emailed my bestie and basically done everything but work. I crossed one big thing off my to-do list, but I don't feel at all justified in wasting so much time. Still, I can't seem to help it. I'm a bundle of weird, pent-up energy, even though I'm running on just a few hours' sleep. The guilt of slacking off is no good. So I thought that maybe if I divulge other secrets, I'll get the urge taken care of and I can get back to invoicing like a good girl.
One quick disclaimer: I am completely able to keep secrets. I am capable of being discreet. If there is a sensitive issue, or if someone confides in me, I have no trouble keeping my lips zipped. It's just that my own life is so open that there's this part of me that wants to share. I don't even think it's because I'm looking to foster intimacy or anything. More than likely, it's because my life is like a stand-up routine, and secrets are great punch-lines. It's not me I'm revealing so much as the next chapter in my journey, or the character I'm growing into. I feel more like I'm living a made-for-tv-movie-in-the-making. The audience will know the secret, so why does everyone else have to wait 40 years for my life story to make it to the screen? Ooh, justification.
Here are a few of my substitute secrets, in hopes that I'll be sated:
1) Sometimes I use the fact that my mom and I have similar phone voices to my advantage. Today, for example, a customer called looking for some really random information about what percentage of our products are made from recycled material (none for her job-- she's using fiberglass... different story for cellulose). She'd actually emailed me and called me right before I left for vacation and I didn't get to her request. When she said she didn't remember who she'd talked to, I mentioned that "one of the girls from our office has been out of the country," so that might account for the delay. I took care of her request and just pretended that it hadn't been me all along. Naughty.
2) It's probably been more than a month since I went to the gym. Vacation accounts for much of it, as does sickness, but the truth is I've just been too tired to go. I know that I'd have more energy if I could just get my bum over to Main Street Muscle and Fitness, but sometimes I just prefer to stay home and read teen lit.
3) I'm mildly interested in a boy who may not know I exist. Well, I suppose he knows, but he likely does not care. And it's ok, because I flirt with 80 other boys (give or take), and next week it'll be someone else. But sometimes, if I'm thinking about my future wedding, I'll plug his face into the fantasy. This isn't nearly as creepy as it sounds... he's just more of a place-holder than anything. I often judge a man's datability by how good he'd look in brown, because that's one of my planned wedding colors.
4) I didn't listen to about 90 percent of what was said in Stake Conference on Sunday. Instead, I just watched the little Greenwood girls be very naughty, and I kind of encouraged it. I thought it was funny.
5) When I was a little girl, I once wrote on a piece of paper "I love Shawn." Actually, that's censored. I wrote "I want to do it with Shawn." I didn't know what "do it" meant because I was in 2nd grade, but I knew it was naughty. I wrote it in purple marker on lined notebook paper and then tore it up and flushed it down the toilet so no one would find out.
6) I am delighted and surprised any time a man tells me he likes something about my physical appearance. For years, I thought the only things that were nice about my looks were my hair and lips. One boyfriend liked my backside and three have like my legs (to which, I think, whoa! blindness!), and though I find this hard to believe, it gives me secret hope. One boyfriend actually told me "our bodies like one another." It was weird, but there is something infinitely important to me about being as physically attractive as I am a good person. In truth, I need to be better on both counts.
7) One time I made out with one of my guy friends just to see what it would be like. We loved each other but were not interested in one another. Still, it took me a long time to get over wanting to do it again. I admired my swollen lips the whole next day.
8) I had a dream the other night that I was being set up on a date with Chris Farley. This is mildly disturbing because he is dead, but I was really excited about it. When I got there, though, I ended up going on a date with Hulk Hogan and he was a dirty old man.
9) I am at odds with my maternal instinct. Sometimes, like on my recent vacation, I feel barren and like I want to tote a baby or two around. But most of the time, I'm so glad I don't have any and that I can just substitute with my niece and friends' children. I feel guilty about the relief I feel when I pass children back to their rightful owners.
10) I talk in my sleep, and one of my greatest fears is that I'll fall asleep in front of someone and end up cussing or saying something equally embarrassing. It's one of the reasons I hate sleepovers and road trips.
OK. I'm not sure I feel purged of pent-up secrets or not, but maybe I'll just go write it down on some notebook paper and then flush it down the toilet.