Taking Issue with People's Sexiest Man Alive Issue

OK. So maybe it's because I don't watch television, and I no longer spend all my free time looking at entertainment blasts online. Or maybe it's because I'm more impressed with things like Converse on the feet and a love of social causes, but again and again as I browsed the current issue of People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive Issue, I kept saying, "Who IS that? And who in the world thinks HE'S sexy?"

Now of course, I have no beef with Johnny Depp. Love him. Love him most in "Chocolat." Think he's crazy in anything Tim Burton, but that's part of what makes him so awesome. I also love the way a lot of men find women's general obsession with him inexplicable. For me, it's because he's a bit of a gypsy, and that is super. Go, go; go Johnny go.

But seriously? So many of the others left me cold. Or just less than impressed. Shall we page through the issue together? I'll provide my commentary. It'll be like you're right here with me.

* Simon Baker. Who is that? Oh yeah. He was that guy in "The Devil Wears Prada." Eh. Whatever.
* Matthew McConaughey. Overrated and dirty most of the time.
* David Beckham. Snooze.
* Patrick Dempsey. OK, I'll give you that one. But let's not forget his "Can't Buy Me Love" beginnings.
* Will Smith. I think he could be on the cover of "World's Biggest Ego."
* Josh Brolin. OK, I DID love him in "The Goonies," but I've always been more of a Sean Astin girl.
* Bradly Cooper. Hmm. I do love him. But only because he looks like my friend Stephen Petty.
* Gerard Butler. He gets a shout-out because Sokphal loves him.
* Jake Gyllenhaal. Does anyone even care about him anymore?
* Robert Downey Jr. Oh wait. Is he actually out of jail?
* George Clooney. Yes. Double yes. Classic. Even with a mullet on "The Facts of Life." Wish he'd settle down, though.
* Ashton Kutcher. Forget Ashton! Bring on Danny Masterson!
* Matt Damon. Sure, but can we get someone else in this magazine besides the same old people?
* Lenny Kravitz. Better with dreds.
* Alec Baldwin. Sick, sick, sick. Someone should leave a message on HIS voicemail calling him a little pig or ingrate, or whatever it was he said to his daughter.
* Brad Pitt. Must have stock in the magazine, I'd say.
* Ben Affleck. Must have a movie in promotion, because we never see him anymore.
* Ryan Reynolds. Why is his photo buried all the way on Page 106? Get rid of old boring Matthew M.

OK. Admittedly, those guys were all good-looking. But if you really want a head-scratcher, check out their "Sexy at Any Age Feature." Two words: Mehmet Oz. WHO THINKS HE'S SEXY? That's like saying Dr. Phil is sexy, and Dr. Phil isn't nearly as obnoxious (though he's not someone I'd want to watch on TV either). This is evidence of Oprah's power, I suppose, because I've been shaking my head ever since. I literally didn't know who HALF of these supposedly-sexy men were. The 40-somethings (with the exception of Oz, 49) were the best on the page, but they got a boost from John Stamos. Can you believe Uncle Jesse is 46?

And then there's a feature of Jerry O'Connell in a speedo. Who really thought that was a good idea? It's just too weird. I like men in clothing. Like, layers.

Good job to People for the shout-out to LL Cool J and Chris O'Donnell. Josh Groban continues to come across as socially awkward. Rob Lowe looks like he's been carved out of wax.

In general, boo. I think I'll compose my own list of sexy men. Look for it soon (sooner if I can get my paperwork done early). I welcome suggestions regarding those who were passed over .