A Love Story

Ahh, young love. This morning I was privy to a lovely courting ritual on TRAX, which I'm happy to share with all of you.

Picture it--8:30 a.m. in Salt Lake City. Business people commuting to their downtown, workaday lives. And who should board the train but two very young teenagers (probably 15, if even that old), both with THICK southern accents. Are they brother and sister? No, but they are the picture of young, trashy TRAX love.

Let me describe them. The girls name is Alyssa. She wears short shorts, a pink, terry-cloth hoodie, and a wife beater with a lovely (not) lime green bra peeking out. She has greasy blond hair and garish pink eye shadow that makes her look like a dead body.

Alyssas shoddy companion is PJ. Peej (as I've decided to call him) is snaggle-toothed and super skinny. His clothes are huge--the blue sweatshirt hes wearing could fit at least another two PJs. At this point in my commute, I'm struck that they really ought to be in school at the moment, and I can't figure out where they might be headed. Fortunately, they speak so loudly that I'm able to understand each word, despite the insane accents.

First, Alyssa complains because the sun is in her face. Peej tries to act as a gentleman (though the attempt is more weird than chivalrous) and stands up in front of his seat to block the Eastern sunlight brightening the shiny face of his beloved.

Alyssa doesnt seem impressed, and tells him to sit down. Obviously graciousness is not the way to win her heart, so Peej tries to up the nonexistent sexual tension by taking a page out of "Cutting Edge" and employ some competition. Their conversation:

PJ: Ya got any games on yer phone?
Alyssa: Oh, yeah. Something 21, Tetris
PJ: Hey, I got an idea. You play Tetris and then let me play and well see who gets the best score.
Alyssa: OK. But I gotta warn you, I'm great at this game.

About a minute passes.

Alyssa: Well, that's it. I got a 612.
PJ: That's all? Yer going down!

Two minutes pass.

PJ: Here, ya can have yer game back. I'm not even done playing, but I already got 1100.
Alyssa: Wow, how didya do that?
PJ: Well, ya suck.
Alyssa: Nu-uh. I used to be really good. I used to play on my mom's little phone all the time.
PJ: Duh, Tetris is a skill ya either have or ya don't. I used to play it all the time on Nintendo 64 and that was forever ago. Ya clearly do not have the skill.
Alyssa: Oh.

Of course, it seems PJ now realizes that pointing out Alyssa's lack of skills didn't get him anywhere, so he moves on to ogling her and making comments about her legs.

PJ: Ya sure have some hairy lower thighs!

Is he kidding? Poor Alyssa, who granted is not the sharpest tack in the bulletin board, tries to deflect the criticism by putting her legs up on the seat (and kicking me in the process) to talk about her recently lotioned-up gams.

Alyssa: My legs are greasy.

Ew.

PJ: Holy cow! I can see the grease on yer legs!

Can someone please tell these kids to take a bath--or at least Alyssa. It appears PJ still would do well to take a cold shower.

PJ: Ya only have two scars on yer legs.

Um, hello! Peej, can't you talk about something else? Fortunately, he then tries to show Alyssa how popular and studious he is by borrowing her cell phone and calling one of his friends.

PJ: Hey Goat. Wake your ass up and meet me at the library.

WHAT? They're going to the library? Peej can read? Poor Alyssa keeps saying that she wants to get a job at McDonalds but can't seem to remember to pick up an application.

Peej proceeds to tell Alyssa about his close circle of friends, including Goat, Sloth, and a guy named Geoffrey Jackson who goes by Goja. Its some weird Halo reference, but at least I can gather he's cultured enough to not limit himself to Tetris.

Along with all his foul language to prove his machismo, Peej covers all his bases by showing off his sensitive side.
PJ: One time I bawled because I cut my foot open on a broken beer bottle in my yard. I was running out in my underwear because my sister had stolen my shirt.

Um, Peej, here's a hint. You don't have the kind of body that will inspire any degree of lust in any woman--greasy or not--picturing you naked.

To cap off his case for getting some booty later, PJ goes back to his strongest point--and any girls weakness--his all around, bad boy persona.

PJ: I wish today was my birthday.
Alyssa: Happy Birthday.
PJ: No, I WISH today was my birthday.
Alyssa: Oh.
PJ: Don't you wanna know why?
Alyssa: Why?
PJ: Because today is 4/20.
Alyssa: Oh, yeah.

Alyssa clearly does not recognize the significance of such a day.

PJ: I mean, think about it. Your friends would all bring you CAKE.
Alyssa: Yeah.

Still not getting it.

PJ: I love that kind of cake. Hey, I wonder if it's possible to put alcohol in cake. Like, instead of water, you could use vodka.
Alyssa: Or milk.

Poor, clueless girl. Still, maybe when they get off probation, they may be a match made in heaven.