The Secret Girl Code: Did I Ever Tell You...?

...About the time I ditched one of my friends? It's amazing how the little things can unravel years of friendship.
This girl was generally pretty fun, but definitely high maintenance. Initially, our friendship was based on some of her claim-staking. She was really interested in a boy she thought I was good friends with. Haha! Truthfully, I didn't know him much better than she did at the time, but momma didn't raise no fool (right Sokphal?) and I could tell from the beginning what this was all about. I remember she kept trying to confide in me about her "secret" crush. Believe me, it wasn't really a secret from anyone. I tried and and tried to keep her from ever saying the guy's name, because the truth was, I had a "secret" crush on him too. But, despite reader perceptions, I do keep a secret or two (intrigued? you should be!) and I think I was doing a pretty good job of keeping it to myself.
Anyway, she liked this guy, and early on, she asked me if I had a crush on him as well. I lied. I said no. Because she'd at least had the guts to say it out loud, which I never did, so I figured she could have him. I moved on. She had a really hard time moving on. Ironically, he and I got very close, and the two of them never did. I don't really think I would have had a shot with the guy, and my little crush quickly bloomed into platonic love on my part, but if I'm being really honest about the situation, I always resented (in a small way) that I had to quietly shoulder that burden.
The years went on, and I did like hanging out with this girl. She was a little nutty, yes, but she was a pretty good person. We had other things in common, which helped, but again and again, she'd get a little obsessed with some hot guy or another, and I'd bow out, and then said fellas would like me best. Oh, they weren't in love with me-- heavens no! But I was the one who got the public shout-outs at concerts. I was the one they brought candy to when I had a bad day (it was amazing what Jr. Mints could fix at the time). I was the one who they came to when they broke up with their girlfriends. I was the one who got the rides on the Vespa and the study dates and the "I love yous." In the mean time, I found the best solution was to go out with the really ugly boys no one else wanted anyway-- especially the ones who were ugly inside and out, so while I wasn't really fulfilled, I knew I wasn't stepping on any toes.
Time marched on, as it does, and I found my way out of the dark dating days, and started spending time with someone really remarkable. I was pretty in awe of him-- a little too much, I'd say. When we finally did have a date, I don't think that girl really paid much attention, but my best friend Sean wrote me a sonnet to calm my nerves. Later, I was going on a more "important" date with the object of my affection, and needed a new outfit. The girl offered to go shopping with me, but disapproved of my store choices. She suggested some places she liked, and I tried to tell her I didn't think they were for me. Rather than realizing our fashion tastes were a bit divergent, I remember her saying, "Can't you even wear a size ___?" So not only did she not like the kind of clothes I wore, she also was calling me a fatty. And that was it. From then on out, I stopped taking her calls.
Now, there are many of you who may think that's a childish thing to get upset about, but it breaks the girl code. In a BIG way. Even if your friend is obviously morbidly obese, you don't talk about it. You talk about something that is truly beautiful about them. Unless you are five years old, it's not that cute to be matchy-matchy all the time (the exception to this rule is Pam-- she and I just happen to love the same clothes and the same stores, and we match all the time! But Pam is a hottie, and I am grateful she is my style sista!). Even when a girl you don't really care that much about is making a tragic fashion mistake, like say, eyeliner that gives her crow's feet, you DON'T say anything. You just praise her like crazy on the days she happens to have good makeup. Because if you say, "Hey, you look like an idiot," she'll always remember you criticizing her and not helping her. One time my theater teacher told me she hated the way I'd done my hair for a dress rehearsal. She was completely right, I realized later, but because I held her opinion in the highest regard, I remember crying through an entire scene. Fortunately, the scene revolved around my daughter who had been committed, so it was appropriate to be emotional. I got praised for my real tears, but I couldn't recreate them for the performance. It was just because I didn't want this woman to think I was ugly.
Anyway, I guess the reason the fatty comment was such a big deal was because for YEARS I'd kept the girl code for her. She staked her claim and I never stabbed her in the back, even when the opportunity was there. When she was being a little ridiculous, I chalked it up to growing pains or whatever. Being well-aware of my own imperfections, it felt wrong to judge her. But the thing is, when you find out someone isn't willing to live by the code, you can't help but cut them off. It's for self-preservation. You don't want to throw away the friendship, but you don't trust yourself to trust them.
There are the obvious infractions, like someone stealing your boyfriend or your favorite sweater or doggin' your other friends. But then there are the subtleties that are even more hurtful if the nuances of the girl rules aren't followed. For example, truth. The rule is, you tell your friends the truth if you know their boyfriend is cheating. You tell your friends the truth when you know the dirt on a situation (assuming there isn't an obligation to keep a confidence elsewhere, because that trumps the "share the gossip" rule). You definitely tell your friends the truth if they have bad breath or something hanging out of their nose or their dress tucked into their nylons right before they're off to flirt with the love of their lives. In general, truth is important for trust. However, you do NOT tell the harsh truth about your friend's weight/acne/dandruff/bad makeup/impossible dreams/career and or life choices you disagree with/political opinions, etc., when you know it would hurt them. She's probably aware of that nasty zit that's gone uber-disgusting in half and hour, and doesn't need you to offer to pop it for her. She knows far better than you how her looks would improve with less tummy and bigger boobs. If she shows you the dress she's already in love with for her big formal event, you don't say, "Wow, was that my grandmother's tablecloth?" but instead you are truly happy they found something on sale they feel beautiful in. Because the other funny and bad thing about the girl code's honesty section is she's not going to tell you that you've been an offensive prat, but you'll feel the effects pretty soon.
I'm happy to say that the girl I write about is happy and healthy and has a good life. I still care about her and what happens with her, but I'm really ok that we're not close anymore. I missed her for a long time, but now life's in the way and there's not much that could be done to restore it.