Taking a Hint
OK. I apparently didn't learn from Ghent the first time and had to be hit over the head with it. Not that Ray likely reads this anymore, but my apologies for airing our dirty laundry. I just need to get it out. Ray told me that he's happier without me in his life than with me.
Believe it or not, that feels worse than being told the thought of you makes a person want to vomit. It feels worse than hearing from Hunter that I had a great personality but wasn't physically attractive. It hurts worse because I love Ray. Ray does not love me. I am alone.
I really wish it were an awful nightmare and that I'd wake up. I wish I could count my blessings right now and appreciate that in the scheme of things, I have it better than most people. It would be nice if I weren't so fragile that I came crying to my parents' house, and instead were at home in my own bed, thinking about how much I love autumn instead of wondering what it is about me that is so repulsive to men everywhere. I wish I could have been gracious enough to let him go without having to hear what a loser I am. I wish I were in a position in my life where I were writing about my adorable children instead of knowing deep down that it probably won't happen for me. I wish I were myself again and could feel optimistic. But I can't. I wish I didn't have to take Tylenol PM so I could sleep, and I wish I were strong enough that being lonely wouldn't matter. And I wish I weren't so honest, because truthfully, this post will probably categorize me in each of your minds as feeble, vulnerable, and too crazy to be worthy of love. Or worse, it will generate pity as you each think and feel compelled to comment, "Don't worry Rach. You're worth more than that." Thank you if you were planning on it, but we all know it's not true. As the common denominator in all my failed relationships, I know I'm the problem. I don't know what God wants me to learn from all this, but I hope I figure it out soon. I'm broken from beating my head against the wall.
posted by Rachel @ 10:48 PM
4 Comments
4 Comments:
Rough night indeed, Rach. I don't think anyone who has been single for a good bit of time would think you are pathetic for feeling as you do, though. I used to stay up nights wondering what the heck was wrong with me and being miserable because my romance wasn't magically happening like it did with so many people and I didn't know why. And the asymmetric situation you are experiencing I'm sure makes it feel that much worse.
Though that part of it will pass. The acute pain associated with him, I mean. And the other will to, one way or another.
FWIW I never thought about you that I was happier away from you (although since we were always just friends...kind of...it doesn't carry the same weight). In fact, I liked being with you. Always have. Turns out marriage has more in common with close friendship than romantic dating, so that's what matters.
Good luck. And remember, you are the prize, baby.
Oh, Rachel, I'm so sorry that it turned out that way. It's so hard to date someone seriously with out thinking "this could be the one I've been waiting for" and then having it end. If he was "the one" then what do you do after the break up? I think that because you are so amazing and special that special someone you are waiting for needs a little bit of time to catch up. I know healing takes time, but know that you are loved and cared about by many.
Dear Public Forum,
All I have to say is thank goodness you found out he was mean before you married him. Because honestly, I think it would be better to be single with a lovely home, family near by, and friends around the world than married to a jerk wad. I've not met him personally, but from that one line I feel confident in my assumption that beneath the things that you liked about him is a monster that only marriage would allow to grow. Seriously, how could he say such a nasty thing and still be a nice person in the core?
And as for you, have your "feeling low" time, but then be glad that you don't have to spend the rest of your life listening to mean comments. The closest you come to the common denominator is believing the nice guy act.
Rachel,
I used to write blogs like this...like repeatedly. Dating can be brutal and your feelings are totally normal. Next time you want to write one, email it to me BEFORE you post it. Then I can send you a comprehensive male-bashing email and you can get it out of your system so he won't read it. Because I am sure he still reads your blog...because let's face it, you are a good writer.
And I agree with Miss Brecken. Good thing you found out he was a jerk NOW (yeah that's for you Ray), before you married the douche bag. Any guy who is going to SAY that and kick a good woman while she's down should be red-carded, slapped in the penalty box, or just plain taken out of the game, Tonya Harding style.
It's a difficult situation, as all matters of the heart are. But you are strong and you will recover. Best to move on with your life. Onward and upward, there will be more guys. Ray will regret it, trust me, they always do.
Love to you!
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