Sabotage

Doing it again... being stupid. Brain, don't fail me now! I seem to have this problem of taking some good things in my life and freaking out about them and then ruining things. Agghh! Don't. Ruin. It.
My fake bf and I are about to "break up." I told Jacob (who I love, truly) that we needed to end things because he doesn't know who Bartles and James are (how can I use their "We thank you for your support" catchphrase with this kid?) and he didn't watch "Mister Rogers' Neighborhood" as a child. Um, hello! I'm naming my first daughter Elaine Fairchild! (Incidentally, my friend Brett and his wife Amy just had a baby and they named her Clementine... cute, huh?) Anyway, we knew this wouldn't last, but I'm sorry to see it end-- just like his veganism. The boy broke down and had pizza the other night and hasn't been the same since.
Of course, the demise of the Rachel-Jacob love fest is not what has me a little down today. I'm actually a little more concerned about my overall behavior. See, here's my pattern. I like a dude until he likes me. Then I hate him. Fear of committment, anyone? Except I'm trying very hard to not be stupid in the case of one of my latest dudes. On background, the nicest boy in the world (very cool guy--smart, interesting, hard-working, generous, thoughtful, etc.) has, for some reason, decided to give me a bit of a chance-- we've been hanging out, but we're going to go out. Am I excited? Yes! No, more than that. I'm honored. I'm flattered. And I'm NERVOUS. Why must I be socially awkward?
But I'm not so nervous about our upcoming date... that's not a huge deal. I don't want folks thinking I'm THAT ridiculous. BUT I am nervous that I'll mess up. I mean, is blogging about it the first step in sabotaging the whole shebang? I think it's a problem that the vain and easily distracted part of me is enjoying the feast-or-famineness of it all, laughing about how when one boy likes me, six or seven others crawl out of the woodwork. I think it's wise to not put all my eggs in one basket, but maybe I need to pare down on some of the egg collecting.
Anyway, if you pass me on the street chanting my mantra of "Don't mess up, don't mess up" you'll know why.