Monday, February 21, 2011

Get Crazy with the Cheez-Whiz

I believe in the Power of Walgreens.

Sometimes, you just need to get out, and when you live in a small town, there aren't too many options. Walgreens has saved my bacon on several occasions. And sometimes I just find really interesting stuff there.

So the other day, my mom needed to get an immunization against Shingles, and the only place she could do it was the Walgreens of Belen, NM (I should point out that Los Lunas has TWO Walgreens locations, and the newer store is about 10 times nicer than the older one, with a much more-helpful staff, but neither location had a pharmacist authorized to administer immunizations). I love a good trip to Belen as much as the next girl, but I generally only go there to see my doctor or go to a Weight Watchers Meeting (I heart the Belen group, truly!) or to buy bulk spices from the River Market. Until recently, I didn't know of the majesty of the Bethlehem Trading Post or Bernie's Fabrics. Their Wells Fargo is so far superior to the branch I use (with a very handsome teller). But Walgreens, ooh, Walgreens. There were so many great things there!

Paizlee and I wandered the aisles, searching for the new Burt's Bees lippy (no one has it yet, so I'm not gonna hate on Walgreens), but ended up finding a lot of other great things-- inexpensive lavender soap, which makes clothes stashed in the dresser smell great when a bar (in the box) is placed in a drawer; one-hour acne treatment; delicate pink nail polish for spring; Cola Icees for our family of enthusiasts; folders with "doggies" and "kitties" for Paizlee, who identified them correctly and the cashiers fell in love with her; a sampling of Dove Chocolate (4 dark Promises... just the right size for a person on a diet); an iTunes gift card, and....

This little bit of Walgreens magic.
So, we noticed earlier that poor Paizlee has "Aunt Rachel Butt" which means, just a wide, flat expanse. People think we're trying to bring back that great 90s style, sagging, but it's just the way our pants fit. Sigh.
So, nestled in between leftover, oversized stuffed animals and Valentine "love" kits (because who doesn't want to buy fuzzy handcuffs and massage oils at a family-friendly drugstore?) were pairs of "Booty Pop" body-enhancing underroos. I laughed and laughed at this padded underwear, because it reminded me of a conversation I once had with Rudy Parsons at a baseball game (forgive me if you've heard this one before):
Rachel: Oh, it's so sad to have a butt like mine. I've thought about getting a prosthetic bum, or that padded underwear, but I really hesitate to do so.
Rudy: Why's that?
Rachel: Well, because what if someone came up and gave me a little pinch, and I didn't react? That would be embarrassing.
Rudy: I wonder if you'd have the same situation wearing a padded bra.
Rachel: Somehow I don't think so, because if someone were to give you a pinch, you'd see it coming.
Rudy: That's funny, because I've actually touched your boobs three times tonight.
Anyway, my mom heard me laughing in the clearance aisle and came over to see what the fuss was about. I showed her the "Booty Pop" and she said, in all seriousness, "You should get those."
See how abused I am? Or at least, how much people make fun of my butt?
The testimonial-- not the miracle product I was looking for. I slid 'em on, over my other underroos, threw my jeans back on, and had a REALLY good laugh. They didn't give me a J-Lo. They just made me look fat and like I had a lumpy butt. Someone is going to get these at the next white-elephant gift exchange I go to.
The iTunes proved to be the better purchase. I went sentimental with downloads Friday afternoon:
* Always-- Bon Jovi
* Each Coming Night-- Iron and Wine
* Back to December-- Taylor Swift (Guilty pleasure)
* Rhythm of Love-- Plain White Ts
* Loser and Lost Cause-- Beck
* Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da; Oh! Darling; We Can Work it Out; Come Together; Please Please Me; Hello, Goodbye-- The Beatles
* The Boxer-- Simon and Garfunkel
In other weekend news, I had to say goodbye to my friend Jeff last night. Jeffy is getting transferred to an AFB in Las Vegas. Boo to that. We got a little sentimental. He told me I was his first friend, and then said a bunch of sweet things, and I cried a little bit. Then I gave him the best going-away gift I could think of-- my copy of "Knowing I have Feelings He May Not" by Alison Ann Budd.

Those of you who know me well understand this is my favorite book of beat poetry ever, written by a very angsty girl (at least she was when she was 11). I take comfort in knowing I can buy another copy from, because it was hard to give up, but Jeff needed it so he could read about "stabbing, stabbing, stabbing pain" and feel better.
We spent a good little while reminiscing. We talked about him moving me into my house right after we met and having breakfast with my dad. We talked about him putting my mailbox up for me. We laughed about going on movie dates with his friend Gregory (where I was the third wheel). He confessed his family has a weakness for R-rated movies. We laughed about him getting a nasty lizard out of my house. I forgot to mention the time I saw his naked backside at the hospital when he had his appendix out.
We discussed how we'd describe one another to our future friends. He's going to mention that I have a creepy baby puppet named Desmond, and a chair in my living room my grandmother died in. I'm going to tell folks how good he was at kissing and washing dishes. We are friends, and Las Vegas is a little too far away. But it was the best goodbye I've ever had, even beating out the (first) time Ray and I broke up and I sang "Tell me on a Sunday."

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Good Morning, February, How Are Ya? Don't Ya Know Me?

The 24-year-old me would be very disappointed. Not only do I rarely blog, but I've long-since given up on posting inspired by music from The Smiths. Still, I am here. Shall I vent today?
I'm not gonna lie-- I've been a little surly. Here are a few reasons:

1) My calligraphy class was canceled. I was very much looking forward to it, not only because I'd get to spend an extra two hours a week at my favorite local store (Papers!) but also because I thought it would afford me the opportunity to meet some new people. But apparently there was only one other person in the Albuquerque Metro area who was interested, so that was that. So much for having a good excuse to skip FHE.

2) Speaking of FHE and the Uni Branch in general, I'm having a hard time being there these days. There are some nice people there, of course, but I hate to monopolize them, so I spend a lot of time by myself. Yes, a lot of this is self-imposed, but the people there are SO YOUNG and we have very little in common. Then, there are many mean girls. You know the kind-- they like to pretend to be nice, but they get a big thrill out of irking you. I recognize the signs, because I went through a brief stage of mean-girl myself, which I entirely regret. But one girl in particular makes going to church a rather miserable experience (and that is unacceptable).

3) I've had to cut a few toxic people out of my life as well. One of my best friends, Amber, laughs every time I announce, "I was so mad, I took him/her out of my phone!" She thinks it's funny that such a simple act could be so empowering, like it's the world's greatest revenge. It's more like it's the world's greatest protection, because then if I'm tempted to call or text, I can't. And when I get texts from numbers I don't recognize, but I can figure out who they're from based on the content, I just delete them without replying. The other day, a former friend who consistently backs out of our plans sent one telling me he couldn't do something. Fortunately for me, I'd given up on counting on him a while back and had made other plans. He offered to send me money. I didn't dignify that insult with a response. I wanted to say, "Listen, chump. I don't want your money. I want you to respect my time!" But that would be a waste of instant communication.

4) This very annoying chap keeps asking me out. He called me at home and at work one day. I told him I was unavailable. Then he called me at work the next day and asked again, for the same time. I said, "Didn't we have this conversation yesterday?" I tried very hard to be nice, and accidentally said, "Maybe another time" when he tried to invite himself along/over to my house. Now it's just a matter of waiting for the ax to fall again. Boo.

5) Speaking of people calling me at work, I got a really rude message from a woman I don't know this morning. I'd been in another part of the office, tending to something work-related (imagine that). I heard my mom say, "Rach, your cell is ringing." I rushed to get it, and it was someone wanting me to recruit someone else to babysit her kids. She was very rude on the voicemail, saying she'd called me on Sunday (I think I was actually AT church when she phoned). I'm not sure how this is supposed to be MY responsibility, because I don't know her from Adam, but sure enough, I got her a babysitter. Ugh.

6) Finally, I got a really disturbing message on my home phone. I'm hoping it was meant for someone else or just a random prank, but the person said, "How would you like to be killed in a basement?" or something along those lines. If he'd left his number, I would have mentioned that it wasn't on my list of things to do. Many thanks to the girls who gave me a baseball bat a few years ago.

Whew! That felt good.

But y'all know me. I don't want to give you a case of the saddies. There are a lot of good things happening as well. Valentines Day was a blast-- there's a lot of love in my life, even if it's principally from my nieces. Ashley and I took Zoey to the circus the other day, and Z & I got an elephant ride in. No calligraphy class = time for a Monday-night-workout (did I mention that I'm 12 lbs lighter than the first of the year?). I'm slowly getting back into lingerie design, and planning on launching an etsy shop in the next few weeks. I'm learning to sew, and working on an awesome bead spread. I'm editing more family-history books to give the fam this year for Christmas (I'm shooting for a three-volume gift this year) as well as helping my mom with a cookbook. I'm planning on doing more landscaping this spring, and possibly fixing up a roulotte, though where I'd put it, I have no idea. So I'm busy, and I'm happy. Thank you, February. I'm feeling better already.