Everybody’s got to Live Their Life
Today's one of the days where I'm pretty glad I'm leaving my job, my apartment, my lifestyle of the past 7 years-- all of it. Sorry for anyone who actually reads this rubbish rather frequently because I'm sure the extreme emotional swings are getting a bit tiresome. But maybe you all understand. Who even knows what gamut of emotions I'll run through the next few paragraphs? I'm probably worse than a pregnant woman.
This morning I took my last train into work and though I tried to read, my heart wasn't in it. It didn't help that I was trying to read in Polish. Oh well. I just kept thinking about how weird it's going to be to go home. Working for the family business is odd to begin with. Imagine walking out of your bedroom and starting paperwork from practically the minute you get up. Imagine a trek to the post office, bank, grocery store or dry cleaners being your social salvation. It's scary. Still, I feel good that I'm changing things. Because as desolate as the social landscape seems in the Land of Enchantment, it's still not worth it to stick to the dead-end job. It's not worth it to live here for all the things that COULD happen--like I could have got that raise or a few more cross-country trips. I could have moved downtown, and maybe just maybe found some friends who wouldn't ditch me then tell me about all the fun they had without me. I could have finally figured out what the heck I'm doing with my life.
All these things came spilling out the other night when my friends Shawn and Drew were over. I had planned to put on the brave face and let their last visit go off without a hitch. I expected them to stay for their typical 30 minutes and then I could go on with packing up my life. But when they asked me how I came to finally make the decision to move, it all came out. I told them about how even my girl pals (or maybe, especially my girl pals) are kind of MIA these days, and that it just wasn't worth it anymore. They were nice about it all, but what could they say?
I think maybe I've just got my feelings hurt a bit because no one much cares if I stay or go. When I gave my boss the notice, he just said, "Well, good luck. It's been nice knowing ya." Thanks, man. Or even worse, there's the many folks who think that I'm making a huge mistake coming home. I got this email from one of my mother's friends (representing a few things I've heard on the subject):
This is the saddest news I have ever heard! Not your coming home, but your choice of employment. I am going to get busy looking for some kind of event planning for you to sink your teeth into. You are not insulation material. This will stifle your creativity. Please tell me you are finding a cute apartment to decorate and call home.
And I totally get what she's saying, but it all just makes me nervous. Does the world think that I'm giving up? Am I a huge loser for going back to Los Lunas when I fought so hard to get myself out in the first place? Is it completely lame that I'll be squatting at the parents' house while I try to get myself to a more secure financial position? And how ridiculous that I still have held out hope I'd at least get an email acknowledging the big change from the person who brought me back to Utah in the first place? It just makes me a little mad at myself for having any expectations in the first place.
I don't know. Maybe all this is just because I'm not sure how it will all turn out. Or because it feels bad to be so easily replaced. Or because I'm sad and wicked disappointed that I'll likely not get to spend any real time with Chevron before I leave, though I think he knows I'd rearrange a lot of plans to hang out with him again--he's that cool and fun (and by plans I mean that sleeping this week is completely optional). Looks like I'll be watching the fireworks and drinking the margaritas on my own Tuesday night. But who knows--maybe the little tragedy now will make good material for the book later. Or at least make it into the "Rachel was a loner" montage in my life story movie someday. Keri Russell stars in a Lifetime Original Movie--"Diary of a Diplomat: The Rachel Sego Story." Except it probably wont be Keri Russell playing me, because she'll be too old. Maybe the little girl who played Lucy in "The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe" if she's able to lose the accent.
PS. I dont know who it was who thought it was uber-funny to check things off in my copy of "2,001 Things to do Before You Die," but you know who you are and you are dead to me. I mean it. Not funny.