Shyness is Nice and Shyness Can Stop You From Doing All the Things in Life You Like To
I do not have nerves of steel. This is not a surprise.
Normally, this weakness is manifest in confrontation, when I tend to cry, even if I don't want to. Or when I'm trying to be brave. Or when my heart is hurt. Or when someone says something that hits me right in the gut. Despite 20/20 vision, I've long thought my eyes were my weakest point, because try as I might, they always betray me.
As I get older, though, I think I get worse. My hands have been shaking since yesterday. Nothing is really the matter-- just a big load at work, but I actually embrace it. Still, there's something about completing these particular tasks that has me so nervous I'm on edge, answering the phone a little less enthusiastically, jumping down people's throats, and shaking like a leaf. Why I should palsy-up now after 30 years of calm is a mystery.
And I'm terribly shy. Awkwardly. Debilitatingly. Shocked? You've seen me in person, and how I can work a room? You know that I don't let crowds of hundreds phase me when I'm speaking or acting? And surely you know I can call up even celebrities or media big-wigs and not even break a sweat. But it's that small group that terrifies me-- the intimacy that keeps me hiding behind my long hair.
Last night we had a talent show at FHE. I tried to do something I'd never done before-- sing alone in public. It's amazing that when I'm in the privacy of my car or my shower, my singing voice sounds just fine. I can sing to Niece Paizlee and not worry one bit. Of course, there are a lot of things I do in my house that I'd never do in public-- krumping, for instance. Singing should not be a big deal. But oh, it was.
The plan was to sing a song to a nerdy little boy at FHE, but none were there. Instead, attending were a boy who thinks I love him (nope), a boy who used to like me, but I accidentally dissed pretty hardcore, a boy my friend likes, a boy who likes boys, and then another guy. So I thought I'd be safe and choose Other Guy. Bad idea! My hands shook and my voice cracked and my voice shook and my hands didn't crack, but they might as well have. I was terrible!
And I know that my FHE family doesn't care. They're my friends and like me just the way I am, and they don't mind that I can't sing to save my life. But I was so embarrassed! I wanted to run and hide. So I did.
Anyway, I guess I'm more shy than I thought. Oops!