Everybody’s got to Live Their Life

Today's one of the days where I'm pretty glad I'm leaving my job, my apartment, my lifestyle of the past 7 years-- all of it. Sorry for anyone who actually reads this rubbish rather frequently because I'm sure the extreme emotional swings are getting a bit tiresome. But maybe you all understand. Who even knows what gamut of emotions I'll run through the next few paragraphs? I'm probably worse than a pregnant woman.

This morning I took my last train into work and though I tried to read, my heart wasn't in it. It didn't help that I was trying to read in Polish. Oh well. I just kept thinking about how weird it's going to be to go home. Working for the family business is odd to begin with. Imagine walking out of your bedroom and starting paperwork from practically the minute you get up. Imagine a trek to the post office, bank, grocery store or dry cleaners being your social salvation. It's scary. Still, I feel good that I'm changing things. Because as desolate as the social landscape seems in the Land of Enchantment, it's still not worth it to stick to the dead-end job. It's not worth it to live here for all the things that COULD happen--like I could have got that raise or a few more cross-country trips. I could have moved downtown, and maybe just maybe found some friends who wouldn't ditch me then tell me about all the fun they had without me. I could have finally figured out what the heck I'm doing with my life.

All these things came spilling out the other night when my friends Shawn and Drew were over. I had planned to put on the brave face and let their last visit go off without a hitch. I expected them to stay for their typical 30 minutes and then I could go on with packing up my life. But when they asked me how I came to finally make the decision to move, it all came out. I told them about how even my girl pals (or maybe, especially my girl pals) are kind of MIA these days, and that it just wasn't worth it anymore. They were nice about it all, but what could they say?

I think maybe I've just got my feelings hurt a bit because no one much cares if I stay or go. When I gave my boss the notice, he just said, "Well, good luck. It's been nice knowing ya." Thanks, man. Or even worse, there's the many folks who think that I'm making a huge mistake coming home. I got this email from one of my mother's friends (representing a few things I've heard on the subject):

Rachel,

This is the saddest news I have ever heard! Not your coming home, but your choice of employment. I am going to get busy looking for some kind of event planning for you to sink your teeth into. You are not insulation material. This will stifle your creativity. Please tell me you are finding a cute apartment to decorate and call home.

Concerned,

Kathy

And I totally get what she's saying, but it all just makes me nervous. Does the world think that I'm giving up? Am I a huge loser for going back to Los Lunas when I fought so hard to get myself out in the first place? Is it completely lame that I'll be squatting at the parents' house while I try to get myself to a more secure financial position? And how ridiculous that I still have held out hope I'd at least get an email acknowledging the big change from the person who brought me back to Utah in the first place? It just makes me a little mad at myself for having any expectations in the first place.

I don't know. Maybe all this is just because I'm not sure how it will all turn out. Or because it feels bad to be so easily replaced. Or because I'm sad and wicked disappointed that I'll likely not get to spend any real time with Chevron before I leave, though I think he knows I'd rearrange a lot of plans to hang out with him again--he's that cool and fun (and by plans I mean that sleeping this week is completely optional). Looks like I'll be watching the fireworks and drinking the margaritas on my own Tuesday night. But who knows--maybe the little tragedy now will make good material for the book later. Or at least make it into the "Rachel was a loner" montage in my life story movie someday. Keri Russell stars in a Lifetime Original Movie--"Diary of a Diplomat: The Rachel Sego Story." Except it probably wont be Keri Russell playing me, because she'll be too old. Maybe the little girl who played Lucy in "The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe" if she's able to lose the accent.

PS. I dont know who it was who thought it was uber-funny to check things off in my copy of "2,001 Things to do Before You Die," but you know who you are and you are dead to me. I mean it. Not funny.

But still I'd leap in front of a flying bullet for you

Russian food is gross. I'm sorry to all you Mother Russia-lovers out there, but it's true. Last night I went to Salt Lake's famous Russian restaurant, Rasputin. Ick. I mean, maybe it wasn't that bad, but it certainly wasn't Polish (obviously). Polish food is heavenly. OK, ok. Polish food is an acquired taste. But once you get used to it, it's all very delicious. My advice to folks looking for good eats in the Salt Lake City? Stay away from Rasputin. You'll be happier choosing Big City Soup or Bajio.

Well, my tour of duty is winding down here at Excel Entertainment Group. There's not a whole lot for me to do but make sure everything is organized for my successor and to soak up all the time I can with the uber-creative folks I work with. I'm certainly going to miss them. They make everything better. For example, a few weekends ago I rented "High School Musical" to see what all the fuss was about, and I thought it was totally lame. However, on Monday we watched about half of it in my boss' office, and it was so much more entertaining. Granted, we were mostly making fun of it (and the people in the music department who all think it's the best thing ever), but I was able to appreciate the show a little more. In fact, I woke up this morning singing one of the songs from that blasted pop-culture phenomenon. Not something I'm really proud of, but I'm just saying the Excel crew managed to make a lot of things more bearable for me. And there really isn't another group I'd prefer to see "Superman" with. Hurrah.

Fortunately, things are a little slower this week, socially speaking. I'm still spending time with friends every night, but I'm not running around quite as much as I was last week (and I thankfully have no more plans with Chad the drug pusher [pharmacist]-- talk about the worst date ever!). On Monday night I was at a service project at a place called The Happy Factory (they make little wooden toys for underprivileged children all over the world) and talking to a girl I know who was also moving. She told me she'd been packing for three solid weeks and still wasn't done. YIKES! I've budgeted about three DAYS of packing time for myself. This suddenly makes me a little nervous. I'm trying to do a little each night, but so far all I've managed is to give away about 2 bags of non-perishables to Melissa. My goal tonight is to tackle the storage unit attached to my porch. I think I mostly just have holiday decorations and broken-down boxes from when I moved to Sandy in the first place. Plus a card table, and the bed I bought at a garage sale last summer. Yuck. I hate moving. It's only bearable thanks to the plans for fixing up a place of my own in NM. And who knows how long it will take for me to make that step. Ugh.

Hmm... I've been thinking about all the stuff I'm gonna miss when I leave the Utah zone. One of the boys in the music department told me this morning that sometimes he spies on me through the window by my desk. It's a little creepy, but almost sweet. And my little pal Summer (Happy Birthday, Summy!) told me all the great things she'll get to do with some of our movie promotions this autumn--I'm seriously jealous. Who doesn't like flying cross country a couple times a month to meet with big-wig PR agencies? And popping into the Big Apple to hang out with your friend, the oral surgeon? Guess Ill have to visit Petty on my own dime. And needless to say, NM wont be nearly as fun as Utah, because I'm losing a heck of a kissing partner out of the deal (sorry to all the folks grossed out by my mentioning it, but Chevron is just kind of, I don't know... captivating? Ambrosial? Mesmeric? Arresting? You get the idea).


Later
All right, folks. I just saw "Superman Returns." Y'all are gonna love it. I don't want to say much, but it's a great show. Any chance Clark Kent will be working at the Albuquerque Journal?

I should be sleeping

OK, I just checked and no, none of my friends are insane and online at 2:26 a.m. I was kind of hoping for a Chevron chat or something, but no such luck. Sometimes I have a hard time getting my brain to slow down when I've been out late socializing.
Part of me keeps thinking about my poor little friend Reuben who's experiencing the painful ordeal of kidney stones. Everyone, please send your good vibes out to Reub-- if there is one person in the world I would never wish a painful moment on, it's him. Sorry, Reuby, for sharing your medical issues with all cyberspace.
Went "dancing" tonight. There weren't too many people at this dance, so I think I danced with three dudes. Most of the time I spent talking to this kid who's studying to be an architect... I showed him my house plans. He probably thinks I'm the most boring girl ever, but so be it.
Tomorrow (ok, well, later today) I'm going to two weddings and a baby shower. It's remarkable. Sometime I have to come up with a brilliant Sunday School lesson in which I cover all of Proverbs and Ecclesiastes. It shouldn't be, but things seem overwhelming in the middle of the night.

The devil will find work for idle hands to do

Well, friends, I'm pretty sure by now you all know the decision has been made--I'm moving back to NM. It all happened rather suddenly. I went to the movies with my friend on Friday, and then was piddling around looking for something to do. I called my mum and asked for a suggestion. She said, "Well, why don't you go look for apartments?" And I said, "You know what? I don't think I want to. I think I should come home." And just like that, the decision was made, and I finally had some peace in my life. I still kind of think that stay or go, I would have been ok, but it was something I had to make my own mind up on. Awkward sentence, but you know what I meant.

So Monday I turned in my notice at work and things are moving along at full speed. I've got a mighty bit of packing to do, but I'm trying to keep my home together for as long as possible. I'm having a few pals over this evening, and I'd like it to still look like my apartment, you know? I want people to remember the cute place, not the boxed-up one.

The only other noteworthy thing I should mention is how much I enjoy hanging out with Chevron. It'll be a little sad to not see him when I move, but were having a grand time now. I very much enjoy kissing him. He has the best looking mouth I've ever seen. Ahh. I'd like to buy the world a Coke and rather than wish for world peace, I'd wish everyone the opportunity to frequently kiss someone so interesting, kind, and HOT.

The end for now.

“Oh, oh, smother me Mother…”

Today I had a firsthand lesson on how the dumb Pollock jokes got started when I became one. Let me preface this by saying I'll never be ashamed to wear a Poland football jersey and the coordinating socks I picked up in Warsaw a couple years ago. Never! You hear?

So my company has really laid the smack down and pretty much banned nearly every website imaginable. It's all in the name of a) keeping porn out of the office, and b) keeping people productive. They have my full support on both agendas. However, the whole site-blocking has been a little ridiculous because we've not been able to get to a lot of sites we use on a daily basis. This is particularly difficult for my coworkers on the film team--part of our job is to keep a finger on the pulse of pop culture, and not being allowed to get to imdb was a pain. Fortunately, we were able to persuade some of the uppers that there are certain things we MUST be able to access (and I'm a smooth enough talker that I got myspace added to that list), but there are a few things I need to learn to make do without. One of those sites is espn.com.

Now, for anyone who knows me well, it may come as a surprise that I'd even care I can't read sports news. Actually, I'm an American football fanatic (well, a BYU football fanatic, that is), but I like to catch a game here and there. I also don't have cable TV, so a lot of my sporting news comes from online trolling.

Anyway, to cut to the chase of my latest idiocy, I woke up this morning hopeful. I got dressed in red and white team Polska gear and took off to work, cheering my people in their game against the evil German empire (note: I also have German heritage, but because I'm twice as Polish as I am German and I happen to have this particular obsession with the motherland, so it probably isn't a big surprise who I was rooting for). The problem? That match happened TWO DAYS AGO. And of course, Germany won. I feel dumb. But keep in mind that being cut off from major media was a contributing factor to this DUH! moment. Everyone, please promise to not judge my people based on my temporary inability to follow a television schedule.

Another less pleasant surprise this week:

Having Travis's mom (yes, the lady who slipped the jagged shard of plastic into the special homemade wheat bread she made me) tell me how she's been wanting her son to set me up with his friends. This was a bit of a two-pronged attack. First, there was the implied message that she likes me not enough for her son to go out with me, but she thinks I'm good enough for his friends. The second item was a little more bold--she said, and I quote, "You really arent THAT old. It would probably still be appropriate." Still, I like the woman. She's nervy, and it's funny. I'm trying to not let other people's opinion of me count so much.

In other news, I'm still a little distressed regarding the whole moving thing. This weekend I really am going to go out and look for apartments. I'm much more interested in seeing Nacho Libre (and maybe another couple of movies) and having fun. But it must be done, or I'll soon be on skid row.

Still, there are happy things to be grateful for every day. For example, Entertainment Weekly has a list of 100 Bookmark-worthy websites in this week's edition. I quickly added some gems to my favorites, and was pleased to see none were blocked. So I'll still have access to some good celebrity gossip. Also, it's difficult to be sad once the weekend comes around. And I'm happy to say that all the consternation regarding the big life decisions/general trauma has really crystallized for me who my real friends are and given me a pretty good indication of who still keeps me in the convenience category. The knowledge might be a little painful, but I think it's better to know. Anyway, I think the weekend is going to do me some good.
One other confession/thing I'm working on-- I'm going to try to be better about letting people in on my life and extending some trust here and there. It's much easier to keep people at arm's length (I tend to think I'm more likeable the less you know me), but it probably isn't a bad idea to give some people a chance. It's a process, but maybe admitting it to a handful of cyberspace readers will make me more committed.

I went to London and I booked myself in at the YWCA

Well, I've given my notice at my apartment complex. In just over a month I'll be homeless. Or living somewhere else, we hope. Preferably not the streets, but maybe it'll add legitimacy to the great American novel I'm writing. Hmm...I need to consider that option. No pulling a James Frey here!

Things in my life have been a bit on the crazy side--like I may be GOING crazy. Or I might already have arrived. I'm happy to say things are basically turning up--getting a major decision behind me has helped immensely, though I'm still pretty apprehensive about a couple others. My "friends" (the ones who have bothered to take a break from their immensely busy social plans that generally don't include me) and my family haven't been a whole lot of help, but then again, I guess they can't be. These are my decisions I have to make. Still, it's always nice to have someone give you a hug and say, "I'm sure you'll make the right choices, and I love you." Anyway, I suspect this will be an emotionally-draining couple of weeks until all the plans are made and the changes are implemented.

In the meantime, there are at least fun things to keep me occupied. Tonight my friend Chad and I are going to celebrate HotDog on a Stick's 60th Anniversary and get a corndog (free tonight from 5-7 p.m.!!). Next week is the Salt Lake City Arts Festival, and that's always a good time. And I'm finally having my Imperfect 10 party, which should significantly cheer my soul. I'm happiest when I'm planning or throwing a party. Get me some quality, hang-out time with Chevron and life will be complete. Or at least more bearable with a bit of fun mixed in with all this life-changing business. Good kissing makes everything better.

How can someone so young sing words so sad?

In the new classic film "Never Been Kissed," Drew Barrrymore plays a Chicago Sun-Times reporter on her first investigative assignment--to find out what the kids these days are all about. Though it was probably not the best way to tackle the issues with the High School set, her constant refrain of "What are you guys' hopes and dreams?" keeps ringing in my ears.

Since graduating from the illustrious Brigham Young University more than two years ago, I've tried to pinpoint the answer for myself, but haven't had much luck. I've tried a number of different methods, including reading books "2,001 Things To Do Before You Die"and "The Wish List," checking things off, and taking note of what I've yet to accomplish. But at this critical time of decision making, it seems like I ought to go deeper than trying to see the Loch Ness Monster and winning the Nobel Prize for Literature (though both are worthy goals I plan to attain). No, I need a plan for now, and a plan for the future. I've got to discover or rediscover my passion and get in touch with that. I want to actively move on these goals, and make hay while the sun shines. But I don't even know what I'm working toward, and that's not a recipe for progress.

So one of the things on "The Wish List" or "2,001" (can't remember which) is to make a list of all your desires. I'm going to try it out. Maybe that will give me some guidance. Here goes nothing:

To have a good boyfriend
To get married and have awesome children
To spend some more time in Poland
To work as a diplomat
To visit India
To be interviewed on NBC's Today Show
To write something original, see it published, and have people love it
To do dramatic readings of "Knowing I Have Feelings He May Not" by Alison Ann Budd
To be able to afford nice things
To get over my junk food addiction, once and for all
To help my family (especially my father) get healthy
To run a 5K race
To do something so outstanding at work that I get recognized at a corporate awards ceremony
To visit Paula Deen's restaurant in Savannah, GA
To walk the distance to Disneyworld, then go visit it
To have a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame
To be photographed by the paparazzi
To send hats and scarves to the blind Polish orphans every year
To visit Scotland
To get further with my genealogy
To look good in a bathing suit
To hike Tobacco Lake and not have to stop to rest
To always have a clean house
To create some beautiful artwork
To own James C. Christensen's "All the World's a Stage"
To buy a really nice dining room table and China Cabinet
To have a study
To have a popular blog
To write my sister's biography after she wins the Miss America pageant
To be known for my great wit
To consistently throw the best parties
To kiss Travis Felix
To have picnics in the park with my children-- with peanut butter and graham cracker sandwiches and Kool Aid in a mason jar.
To compile a family cookbook and new-bound copy of Grandpa Mulford's poems
To become a pretty good swing-dancer
To get a pixie haircut and look good
To donate my hair to Locks of Love (again)
To run in the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure
To go on an LDS Mission in my older years
To be famous enough that Madame Alexander makes a Rachel Sego doll
To hold public office
To buy a whole outfit at Anthropologie and then go on a dinner date at The Melting Pot
To win a Blue Ribbon at the County Fair
To take great pictures of the family in Colorado
To kiss in the rain
To walk at least 10,000 steps every day
To finish reading Ksiega Mormona
To have a really awesome wedding reception
To throw a great party for my parents 50th Wedding Anniversary
To make it to Germany
To be a guest on a show with Martha Stewart
To meet a President of the United States
To legitimately wear a tiara
To become a style icon
To visit every state in the Union
To go skinny dipping
To visit the Louvre again
To have a huge kitchen where people like to gather
To learn to play chess
To make great wheat bread
To make great money
To go on weekly dates with my husband
To take pictures of my children wearing the traditional Polish costumes
To go on a Mediterranean Cruise
To surf in Hawaii
To create some kind of iconic, Warhol-esque art
To publish a story in the Friend or Ensign
To visit Yellowstone again
To go snowboarding
To have Michael Stipe sing me a song
To have the perfect Southeastern NM Day--Hiking in Carlsbad Caverns, swimming at the Pecos Inn, eating the gross food at Kwan Den Buffet and tell my grandfather's old lame joke about flying saucers and goosing the waitstaff
To learn how to play every song in the hymnal well enough that I can finally accompany folks in church
To write a cute roadshow or family reunion skit
To learn to can preserves, pie filling, stewed tomatoes, etc.
To hike Tome Hill on Good Friday
To go back to Prague
To be interviewed on NPR
To walk the red carpet
To have a pet puppy (Lhasa Apso)
To learn to make tortillas like Ben
To donate a good sum of money to BYU
To have something or someone named after me
To be a guest on the Oprah Winfrey Show
To ride as the guest of honor in a parade
To go to Disneyland and not have to wait in any lines
To visit Club 33
To live in NM with my family
To visit Lagoon THIS summer
To have one of those food storage racks like Diane King
To have my engagement dinner at The Ranchers Club or the Luna Mansion
To have my wedding announcement in at least 3 papers
To have a greenhouse like Aunt Zosia
To make a great pie crust
To spend several weeks each summer writing in Colorado
To speak Polish fluently
To live in D.C. for a while
To do some event planning
To live in that Victorian House we used to have the plans for (the one with the exercise room over the master bathroom)
To finally make it to an Artesia Bulldogs Football game
To beef up my LP collection
To work at a post office or office supply store
To design my own stationary
To pass the Kissing Kitty on so it's no longer on my desk at work
To wear a Mr. T shirt to a business meeting
To live to see an Ikea and H&M go into my town
Obviously, this list is not exhaustive, nor is it closed. I'm not sure it gives me any further insight as to what to do with my life in even the next six months, but it's a start.

My Horoscope for the Week... Sounds pretty good

Week of June 5, 2006
Love is in the stars for you this week! Spring is springing so get out there and have fun. This is your time of year to sprout your wings and fly! Dont worry about what anyone else is doing or saying. Just do your own thing, and do it with style! Do it with the grace, dignity, poise, and beauty that you possess - inside and out! Your smile will win anyone over as long as it is genuine and from the heart. You have plenty of heart to give so be fearless when it comes to sharing it with others this week. Then, BAM! This weekend, look out for a shooting star that will land in your lap. The thing you have been wishing for is finally coming true. Worry about the details later. For now just grab on to that star and enjoy the ride. You have done the work and now you deserve the rewards, so get out there and have fun!

Rachel's commentary--
This sounds pretty good to me. Of course, I think one spreads their wings, rather than sprouts them. And a shooting star landing in my lap sounds a little hot and painful. But hot and painful also seem to be good adjectives to describe my love life at the moment (more hot than painful), so maybe there's a little truth to this thing.

BAM!

Call me morbid, Call me pale

Yesterday I did something I haven't done in years--I went swimming. Well, it wasn't so much swimming as it was standing in the pool, trying to not look stupid in front of the three men hanging out at the apartment pool area. Seriously, I haven't been swimming since my time in Cabo San Lucas--thats two Poland trips ago (do y'all love the way I measure time in BP and AP?). Anyway, I'd really forgotten how great swimming is. I loved so much about itthe smell of chlorine, Water Babies, and a new bathing suit; the feeling of your body working with the water; the way you feel after a nice hour in the pool. Have you noticed food tastes better after a swim? It's just a feeling of contentment. Now that I've rediscovered the joy of time at the pool, I might just enjoy the summer heat. And maybe I'll get a tan that doesn't come from a bottle or a booth.
The only other news is I think I'm moving. Still haven't figured out if that will be in SLC somewhere, or back to NM, or parts unknown, but I'll probably at least get out of the current apartment. I think I need to find a place that's not so hard on the wallet, and a change, as Sheryl Crow would say, would do me good. I think I'm going to check out the Sugarhouse scene, maybe the Avenues, maybe Midgetville. Those are the big, exciting weekend plans.