Should Auld Acquaintance Be Forgot?

It's not a question I'm ready to tackle right now-- and the truth is, with my Elephantine memory, it's likely impossible anyway. The crying report: None yesterday. Not at all. Instead, I just enjoyed a few stomach flips and flops when I remembered all the good kissing and such. I think that's a good way to remember a relationship of yore-- be thankful for the good stuff. There was certainly other good stuff, but the kissing was life-changing. Of course, it's New Year's Eve... so maybe I can squeeze in some life-changing kissing with someone else tonight. Just kidding.
Yes, the end of the year. I must admit, I'm ready. 2008 had some really bright spots: Donating 14 inches of hair to Locks of Love felt like a pretty big accomplishment. I paid off another big chunk of mortgage (well, maybe not a big chunk, but enough that I can feel really proud of myself). I got back in touch with a lot of people I love. I had my first official boyfriend and fell head over heels in love. I helped get my little sister married off. I bonded with my adorable niece who will be a whole year old tomorrow, and she's made me realize that I do want some children someday after all... I'm no longer afraid of babies, and THAT is huge. And I think I've helped people warm up to the idea that someday I really will name one of those babies Jemima-- you can call her Jemma if it really offends you. ;)
Still, I'm ready for 2009-- I'm happy to start this new year with unchecked enthusiasm. If Zoey ever will sit still for a nap today, I'll make a list of next to impossible resolutions but I'll be happy to just have something to work on. I'll start now. The biggest one is I'm going to be happy with whatever life deals me. I'm going to be like Fiona-- good at being uncomfortable, so always changing. Of course, that doesn't mean that I will be waiting to see what life hands out-- I've always done my best to secure my own fortune. I'll be out with the masses in full force on the 2nd at Main Street Muscle and Fitness. Zoey and I are going to Target later to pick up a new workout outfit. I'm going to focus on my spiritual health-- Paul and I are already devising a plan to keep up our new tandem scripture study that really helped us both over the last month. And I'm going to do something new and outside my comfort zone. I may finally take that salsa class at UNM. If not that, I'll find something. I plan on running in that blasted Pioneer Day 5k even if it kills me (and the altitude in Manassa, Colorado just might). And I'm going to find a way to become the Queen of Los Lunas somehow-- not in a figure-head sort of way, but in that I want to actually get this town going. We have enough people and enough money that we should have more going on than a couple of car shows and two shoddy parades a year. I want to make that happen. I plan to exhaust myself during Andrew, Nathan, and Kimball's visits, as well as my trip abroad. And I plan to fully exhaust myself daily with accomplishing good things. They're not really resolutions so much as reminders of the way I do things. I'm feeling recharged and ready to start again.

I think I'm in love now

Gotcha! Would that make me the queen of mood swings or what? But I am possibly in love with that purple iPod nano that made it into my life this Christmas. And hey, if I can't have the man of my dreams, at least I can have access to the Kings of Leon or Cyndi Lauper or Salt-N-Peppa whenever I want, right? Finally, I've entered the 21st century! It feels great to know that I can buy Fiona Apple right alongside Sean Kingston and Michael Penn at the same time I get my 10,000 Maniacs fix. Oh, Apple, how user-friendly you are! I need to go apologize to my college-era iMac for neglect in favor of the office Dell. Using an Apple product effectively in a PC world makes me feel ambidextrous, though I still find earbuds rather uncomfortable. All in all though, I will say we've come a long way from the time Keith Jones used to make all his Chipman girlfriends CDs from pirated Napster stuff. I'll bet Merissa Hurst feels better knowing she can burn her own copy of Barry Manilow's "Mandy" in the privacy of her own home and let it remain her dirty little secret.
But see, friends? I'm really trying to make the most of all this, and so far, so good. I had three brief crying episodes yesterday, but they each only lasted less than 30 seconds, so I feel really good about that. And I feel a little lost and like I don't want to become an emo music recluse, but making a new workout playlist for extra-fun gym time feels productive (lots of Pink and weird hip-hop I wouldn't have listened to if I were constantly subjected to it by Albuquerque's limited radio). And the friends remain wonderful. Last night we had another FHE after-party to celebrate Pam's birthday, and there's just something good about champagne poppers in the kitchen and candles in doughnuts. Tonight Pauly and I are hitting Sweet Tomatoes and dollar movie, and I'm excited to wear the new adorable outfit I had on Saturday night-- I want the clothes to be "Paul Night" togs rather than the heartbreak outfit I can never wear again (especially because it's too cute to banish to the back of the closet).
I picked up a new planner this afternoon and I'm excited to fill it with all the exciting things that I'm going to make happen. I'm looking forward to a couple days off work (after surviving Zoey alone tomorrow) to just do random Rachel stuff like trying out the Dancing With The Stars workout DVDs my mom got me and maybe getting a few pals together to eat fancy cheese and crackers and drink sparkling cider. I wanna go hit a club and dance for hours without thinking about anything else. I want to do some spring cleaning-- who cares that we're only 9 days into winter? I need to avoid those creepy boys who've been waiting in the wings, so I'm content to go spend a weekend night by myself at Borders. I'd like to do something really cool and surprising for my parents while they're on vacation. I need to get in touch with people who need ME instead of allowing all these other folks to check on me... I think I'll feel better when I'm in giver/production mode. So I'm trying. There's been no crying yet today, though I've decided to not let it feel like a setback if there is a random sobfest here or there in the future. But I feel like I'm back on the Real Rachel Wagon and it's like coming home.

And once again, I spoke too soon

First of all, I see that the picture of me in the slide didn't actually make it on the last post. Let's just forget that it ever happened, because it really wasn't a flattering pic.
And now, we come to that sad part of the blog where I tell you the curse lives on. No sooner do I post a picture of Ray than the relationship imploded. It's time to purge the feelings.
This is what happened: As you know, I've been having a hard time since the first round of Ray gone. Getting so low frightens me, and for whatever reason, I was feeling that way again on Saturday. Very little of it had anything to do with him, though there was some frustration there, and admittedly, some passive-aggressive texts sent on my part. I didn't mean it, and I apologized right away, but things are hard. Right now in my life, I've got to work on some things-- fixing myself, for myself. Still, it feels like it would be easier to have someone hold my hand through the process and tell me I'll make it.
After an evening filled with frustrations and tears, Ray did come over to tend to me. He was trying to be a good friend and I needed him. But we let our guard down and a little gentle hugging turned into passionate kissing. I didn't want it to be that way, but it brought me the most exceptional feeling of bliss. It was the way I'd wanted it to be when we "made up" in October-- nothing has ever felt so right to me as to find myself in his arms.
But it didn't last. A couple minutes at most. And then the real trouble began.
To make a long story short, he told me I'm not the one. I love him, but he is not in love with me. He does not choose me. And it's hard.
The worst parts? Everyone saw it coming... even me. I guess I fooled myself into thinking that we could just enjoy each other for a couple weeks. He could go back to Las Cruces and I would go to Europe, and we'd just slowly fade from one another's lives. Oh, we'd still check in with one another from time to time, just like I do with all my other old boyfriends. But it wouldn't be bad. We'd just replace one another. But of course, that wasn't meant to be.
Instead, I felt so desperately sad. And more than that, I could see myself slipping back to that awful place I was in a few months ago where I became this catatonic automaton. I looked at my fingers. I thought about bending each one, and each responded just as intended-- my nervous system was working. Still, it felt like there wasn't anything else left on the inside, and all I wanted was to cease to exist. I was hurt all around. I'm not mad at Ray, believe it or not, though I've since given him plenty of reason to be mad at me. I was temporarily mad at God because I certainly couldn't figure out why I had to go through this AGAIN. Except it's not His fault. Especially when I knew that it wasn't right. And then I was scared that I would do something awful-- I had no desire to kill myself this time, thank heaven. But I couldn't figure out how to go on. It's still a bit of a mystery, if I'm being really honest.
So how can I write about this so clinically, so cavalierly? As you know, it's my coping mechanism. And this is something I don't want to forget, because it's making me something better than I was before this all happened. My dear friend Mike told me the trick was finding the silver lining to such a dark cloud... and maybe I'm there.
Because that's not the end of the story. The other day, Sokphal posted about finding it annoying when people get all testimonial on their blogs, but this is important-- this is something real.
At times like these, how can you do anything but pray? Even when you don't feel like you deserve to (which is just Satan's lie anyway)-- but I was afraid. I have a testimony that Jesus Christ suffered not only for our sins, but for our pain as well... including heartaches. But having been a) unfairly angry with God for about an hour during the trial (guess I'm not Job, am I?) and b) feeling like I couldn't possibly deserve it, because I've already had so many miracles in my life, I wasn't sure I could ask for the help. But I did it anyway. I told Heavenly Father that I was at my breaking point, and I had to lay this all on His altar. I told him that I knew that Christ had already suffered this for me, and asked Him to take the pain away. And then I asked him to help my unbelief, to give me the faith to be healed.
This morning, I woke up feeling a lot of things-- but not the pain that was destroying me. That's gone. I know I'll still have to deal with some consequences, and I'll have to work through some hard things. I still have to swallow my pride and actually go to that counseling (oh my gosh! My blog so should be private! But until I can afford counseling, knowing that people occasionally read this might do). I still have to decide if I can join choir next semester and be so close to Ray's mother, who I love dearly, but don't know if severing all the ties is a better option. I still have to really let go, and I have to convince myself that I'm enough and that just because I'm broken now doesn't mean I always will be, nor does it mean I'm unworthy of someone loving me sometime. I've got to work on my faith. I've got to work on rediscovering me, and knowing that just because someone I loved so much chipped away a chunk of my heart doesn't mean that all my insides are gone. I have to work on keeping food down (no, that's not a bulimia confession-- I just have been too upset, and I think my body needed to be empty for a while to give my spirit some room to re-expand). I have to find a way to be happy now, because there is no possible way I can survive as the robot I was for the last several months.
So be patient with me, will ya? I surely appreciate those prayers. Somehow this is making me better. I choose to get stronger, I choose to keep my heart open. I thank you for not saying, "I told you so." And if anyone wants to come hold my hand, it's open. We've already established that my fingers still work.

Christmas Came Early This Year

Dearest Friends! No, I did not cease to exist after my sister's wedding. It just felt like it. We've finally got Bridezilla and her Groovy Groomy shipped off on their honeymoon to Disneyworld. Here is a picture from less hectic times of some of your favorite Sego girls at the Bridal Shower. Zoey was pooped!

Ah, but that's what love and partying will do for a person.

Ashley actually called yesterday to tell us that she and Robert were chosen to be the grand marshalls of the 3 p.m. parade in the Magic Kingdom. I guess if there's a legitimate excuse to call one's family from the honeymoon, that's it.

Anyway, now that the wedding is over, I'm trying to get in the Christmas spirit. I've finally kicked this cold, and everything is done, save one last trip to the grocery store to buy food for the annual Sego Family Christmas Eve festivities (I'm making pigs in blankets and fried ravioli with aoli), but actually feeling like Christmas is a bit of a struggle. Maybe I'll have to spend the evening listening to Delilah.

Anyway, I guess it doesn't matter in a way, because the truth is I've already received the best present I could possibly get:

Yes, that's Ray. Ray in his natural habitat, actually. Flying Star. And no, I don't "own" him. Nor would I want to. But in the spirit of spewing forth my personal life for all the world to read, we are trying to work on the friend thing. I feel like there isn't anything else I could want.

And it's hard, you know? When you're missing someone, it's easy to fool yourself into thinking that if only they were back in your life, it would all be easy and better. Well, it's better, but it's hard. Still, I appreciate Ray. If nothing else, he's like my own personal muse (we're looking to find a male version in mythology of the muse)-- my mind starts turning over and ideas start flowing. Most the time, it has very little to do with what we are doing (though I got a nice vision of him playing the accordion and living as a nomad in Europe while we listened to music in his car the other night), or even with him (I started thinking about a new way to tell a story last night-- completely unrelated). But the best times are when we can bounce ideas off one another. Last night when I was stuck on archetypes and had basically convinced myself that I am actually never going to be the temptress or the platonic ideal, or even the virgin (even though I am the virgin, but not the helpless one of Jungian myth), I started to convince myself that while I am still the protagonist and heroine of my own life, I mostly fall into the category of soothsayer for everyone else. But Ray, who rejects Jung, suggested that I tackle the idea of the Goddess. I hadn't thought of it. I guess because it will require action on my part. It seems like the goddess is the temptress, virgin, and platonic ideal rolled into one-- an actualized hero. I like it. She can also be the muse. It's a tall order, but it feels like a more complete role to aspire to.

Anyway, like I said, those are the best of times. It's hard though, too. Negotiating that weird line between what we are and what we were is tricky. We're avoiding thinking about what we might be, trying to live in the moment. I'm cool with that, but I miss some of the things that used to be natural. I hate how careful we have to be right now, but I think time will make it easier.

In the meantime, we went to River of Lights last night. Here's the Yellow Submarine on the water:And here I am coming out of a slide made out of a hollow tree. I hate this picture of myself because I look like a hobbit. I swear I'm not that short, nor is my body so out of proportion. I was warm, ok? Give me a break. You try wearing 80 layers and looking glamorous, all while trying to get out of a slide before the lady behind you barrels into you. Maybe I should've followed Ray's example and taken the stairs, but I'm a young-at-heart sort of goddess.
Speaking of Ray, here he is inside the giant pumpkin. This is a typical photo stop for me and Miriam:

And here is our famous favorite cake from Flying Star. I haven't been able to eat it without him, so that alone makes our friendship worth it. Right?

It was a good evening on the whole. Santa did well. My friend is all I wanted. Of course, I'll be happy to post tomorrow and let you know if I finally join the 21st century with an iPod.

Thoughts from Quarantine

Now, just days before my little sister's wedding, I've come down with a cold. I'm drinking tons of herbal tea, and I even broke down and took a decongestant (you know they're bad when they force someone with typically low blood pressure into a high range... ick! I hate that) in an effort to mitigate the effects. I'm looking for a place for little Zoey to go tomorrow so I don't infect her (and thus, the whole family). I came into work a couple hours late so I could sleep in, but tonight I have to buck up buckle down and clean house before Aunt Susie comes. Thank goodness for Lysol Wipes! I even have lunch plans tomorrow that I'm loathe to cancel, but depending on how I feel tonight, I may need to. I don't want to infect anyone-- especially my lunch date/hanger-outer. Well, whatever he is. I just don't want him sick because of me. I'm hoping this is just a 24-hour-bug and that the Zicam will work its magic.
Still, I've had a little time over the last few days to think about things that make me happy. Just random stuff, you know?
On Sunday, I was driving to church and burst out laughing thinking about how my little brother used to just say the word "Shamble" all the time. He'd call me up and that's all he'd say. I mean, it's kind of stupid, and I guess you'd have to be there, but I busted up.
Later, I had a laugh thinking about being in Spain with Sokphal. Poor Phal was probably utterly freaked out because I'd had a bit of a panic attack the night before-- due to no sleep in about 5 days, I'd say. But we flew into Santiago de Compustela, and ended up at a cathedral pilgrims absolutely crawl to. This nice priest made us "Embrace the Mantle" of St. James. I didn't really want to because I didn't want to do something sacrilegious-- not that I think God would mind, but I wouldn't want to offend my Catholic friends by doing it. Still, the priest basically took my arms and made me do it. It was odd, but I appreciated it.
And then this morning I started thinking about my friend Hilary. HFSZ IS really funny, but while I was lounging around, trying to get up the energy to start my day, I was thinking about what a superstar she is. She used to (and still, often when I read her blog) has me on the floor laughing about something or other, but what I really appreciate is how she's worked so many little (and big) miracles in my life. When I was a super senior at BYU, I'd mentioned to her how I'd never been asked to a formal dance (with the exception of my best friend Justin in high school, but I made him ask the foreign exchange student Asli Yuksil because she'd been telling me for months how she dreamed of going to Prom with him), and just days later, our very handsome mutual friend Steve Petty was asking me via paper airplane to Homecoming. A year later when I was coming home from Poland with not a clue about a job, Hil was the one telling me about the PR opening at Excel Entertainment Group that would become my career for the next couple years. When I was heartbroken, she was the one yelling the loudest for the beheading of the pain-inflicter. When I'm happy, she celebrates with me. Now she lives two states away and is having some hard times of her own. I wish I could be there to do something for her, but in the meantime I'm praying that she'll have her own Hilary to swoop in and bring her some comfort.
Being sick affords one the opportunity to slow down, at least. Well, it just demands it, I suppose. I don't have time to slow down. I've got too much to do! But worrying about my burning throat and remembering random happinesses is a good alternative to preparing for the nerve-wracking lunch tomorrow and what I should wear. By the way, what SHOULD I wear? I mean, assuming I'm not on my deathbed and go?

A few shout outs

1) I hereby publicly acknowledge Reuben, my personal favorite lurker. Reub, I feel ya! I'm reading ya, and I'm sorry about the bike.

2) Talk about Trevor: The other day, I (jokingly) told little Trev that he ought to read my blog. He was disappointed to hear that I'd never mentioned him (though upon further reflection I think I did in a posting a while back... just not specifically). So for Trevor's sake, I am here to testify that he's a cool little chap. I'm glad he's here and part of the circle of friends and the circle of trust. I like the way basically everything he says is ridiculous. I think it's funny he considers himself a big player (and calls himself "Big Sexy"), and that even though all the girls love him, we all think of him as a silly little boy. I like the way we play fight and make up. I like the way he mistakenly and inadvertently gave a girl we know a really funny nickname. I like how he tries to do high kicks in his tight jeans, and his Latvian pride.


Here he is after "The Dark Knight" at Russell's mansion:

And I feel good about my girls all loving him. Good choice, ladies! You could do much worse, and let's be honest... we all have at one time or another.

3) A quick acknowledgement of the Luna Mansion: For all you locals, you'll be sad to know that the Luna is permanently shutting down at the end of the calendar year. Word on the street is it will have its next incarnation as a bed and breakfast or a museum. I'd be happy with either one. The place has its problems (plumbing chief amongst them), but the food last night was excellent. Our waiter owed my friend Brad a favor, apparently, because instead of the Top Sirloin I ordered (and let me just say, I didn't even know what to get, as I really don't eat meat that often), he came out with this:

I don't know if you can really see it well, but suddenly to our table came filet mignon and lobster tail. Again, I'm not much of a meat-eater, and seafood is a mystery to this girl of land-locked origin, but it was really good. So, my friends, you have just a couple weeks left. Get your booty to the Luna and give these people a good send-off.

4) Extra love goes out to neglected Sokphal today. I am a bad friend because I never get to talk to this girl! Sorry BFF. I promise to write soon. And not just droning on and on about you-know-what.

5) A final pat on the back and grateful smile to MK for having my back and understanding my P.O.V. in a sticky situation.

Kisses, everyone. Work the mistletoe!

Amigas de la Van and beyond

Holy cow! I have such fun friends! My family is wondering what's up with me, because I can't keep the grin off my face. Normally that's evidence of a) a new man in my life or b) THE man of my life (still) emailing me. But today, it's seriously just because I have the best friends in the world.
It was a good weekend, for sure. I'm trying to even remember Friday... OH! OK. Got it (can you tell I'm a bit sleep-deprived, as usual?). I went to the Nativity display/Messiah concert with my new pal Emily. Nash, Pamsicle, T and I sang our old standby "Star Bright" for prelude and got to feel all warm and fuzzy. Em and I sat with Margaret Ann and Wendy during the concert, and W always has something entertaining to say. It was all just peaceful and enjoyable.
Saturday was even better. After an excellent (and productive) shopping morning, I met Pammy at Gardunos. If you haven't been there in a while, GO! Run like the wind. It was super yummy, and a great time. The one at Winrock isn't even crowded anymore. Anyway, we then went to see "Twilight" with Nash and some girls from choir. Ruthie and Jessica were HILARIOUS! There's something so funny about seeing grown women drool over teenage vampires that never gets old. It was Pam and Audrey's first time as well, and they are insta-fans. And I'll admit, I'll likely see it at least once more (probably more, when it hits the dollars).
Saturday night was hectic, with T's bridal shower and lots of errand-y things. I didn't accomplish as much as I'd like, but I went to bed pretty grateful.
SUNDAY, however, was a circus and a riot. Church was good and uplifting and spiritual, as always, but the after-parties (aka Break the Fast and the girls coming to dinner) were outrageous. First, BTF: somehow the VT girls plus some of our honorary members (read Elizabeth and Karissa) were all kind enough to learn some Polish. They sang a rousing rendition of "Panie Janie" for my friend Nathan's voicemail. By the end of our lunch, they were yelling to random boys, "Chodz mi. Czesc! Pocaluj mnie! Szybko! Kocham ciebie. Na razie!" Basically, it was "Come here, hello. Kiss me! Hurry! I Love you, and see you later." It was AWESOME! Or, as we say in Polish, bardzo spoko. I feel really good that they've learned the essentials.
Later, the ladies came over for some tomato soup, Lou's yummy rolls, and Italian cream cake. The food was good, but the company was better. I love my girls! We laughed and laughed. It's heartwarming to know that I have friends who I can share all my deepest, darkest, most awkward stories with. And it's really comforting to know that things like that have happened to most of them as well. I feel like I learned a lot about my friends this weekend, and I'm going to miss them terribly when I don't just have them at my disposal!
And beyond the few people I got to spend time with this weekend, there are so many more of you out there for me to love! Hearing from my Polish BFFs about their pending visit has me bouncing off the walls. A phone call from a former roommate put that same slap-happy grin on my face. I reconnected with a boy I love (platonically) and I wondered why in the world we haven't had time for one another this semester. I get my daily text messages from Paul as part of our Christmas countdown. There's so much love in my life that I guess my heart is just expanding.

Taking the chain from off the door

Here are some things on my mind:
1) Ray was right about something. "Nick and Nora's Infinite Playlist" should have been called "Nick and Nora: Promiscuous Teenagers with Great Taste in Music." My favorite line in the movie last night was "I love you so much, it's retarded."
2) I'm pretty amazed at the way inspiration comes these days. I've been struggling with finding a topic for my Relief Society lesson on Sunday. This morning, it was clear as a bell: Forgiveness. I really don't get why people hold grudges and get so mad. It only cankers one's own soul. And usually, forgiveness is something I'm pretty good at. Lately, there's been some stuff that I had to get past, but all that anger and discomfort seem like a distant memory. In one vein though, I'm having a little bit of a harder time with it, simply because the person inflicting the pain seems pretty bent on delivering it over and over again. Last night I was with Lou, and I'm ashamed to say she saw me reacting to it in a much-less-than-dignified way. Sorry Lou! I'm really not that girl, I promise! So while I think it's a timely topic, I'm pretty positive this inspiration is to teach me how to be better at forgiveness than I thought I was. Ooh, there's a lot of rambling in this paragraph, isn't there? Still, you get what I mean.
2PS) Other inspiration: I had a really comforting dream last night. I went to bed pretty upset over something that happened earlier that evening, but woke up in the middle of the night from a dream where a long-lost friend was sitting with me and doing everything he could to make me feel better about the situation. He can't be right here in my life right now, but when I emailed him this morning regarding another topic, I nearly thanked him for what he did in my dream. I woke up at peace.
3) I'm cold, and I don't like it. When I woke up this morning, the house was 62 degrees, but I was too cold to go make a fire, and I'm too poor to use my heater. I hope that when Andrew and Nathan come to visit in a month that they sleep better in a colder house. I may have to buy some blankets. I wonder what is less expensive-- down blankets, or propane for a weekend?
4) Speaking of Nathan and Andrew, they'll be visiting in a little more than a month, and I can't wait. Of course, they're coming in late Friday night and leaving Sunday evening, so that doesn't give us a lot of time to do things. I'm thinking we'll go dancing on Friday after I pick them up from the airport (because Andrew wants to show off his country dancing skills). On Saturday, we'll go to Santa Fe and look at the Polish folk art store and harass the proprietor, who I don't have much use for (just kidding). Then we'll ride the tram and go to dinner at El Pinto. On Sunday, I'll show them off at church and then we can have a little pre-30th birthday dinner for Nathan before we are cruelly separated again. I love those boys! I can't wait to have them around so I can introduce all the most important people of my life to one another.
5) The cruise is feeling more real. I bought a book the other day about European cruises, and I look forward to soaking in a bubble bath (probably to warm up) after Ashley's wedding and reading all about what to do in Ephesus.
And now, to work! Gotta get things done, because the weekend is going to be fiercely busy.

I moved away from the other side of the door

But then opportunity came knocking! I'm back on cloud nine. The disaster relief has progressed again-- just when I thought we were a lost cause. Oprah sent her Angel network, the Red Cross moved in, and the Mormons came out to lend a hand with gusto. I received two simple emails that felt like pouring concrete for a new foundation. I'm moving my sandbags over to friends' hearts, where they are more needed now. I love restoration and reconstruction, don't you?
On an unrelated note, there is no longer a need for you to search out a pity date for me to Bridezilla's wedding. Just kidding, Ashley! My dear little Paul, on the heels of his own frustration and heartache, has not only agreed to be my beau for the evening, but also he plans to wear a brown suit and a pink tie. I hope he keeps his beard, because I think it's so snazzy. And even though it's like going to the ball with your brother, Pauly is the bestest, and I wish he were my real brother... though that would have made our recent hand-holding pretty ooky. Don't worry. When Paul and I hold hands, it is to platonically lift up the others' when they hang down.
As is to be expected given my current life schedule, I'm exhausted... and it's only 9 a.m. But my heart is dancing again. Tender mercies, my friends, tender mercies.

Just to let you know...

Ooh! Sokphal tagged me. She is my best friend, so I will indulge her.

5 Weird things about me:
1. I don't really think it's Christmas unless I've had McDonald's while decorating the tree.
2. I have a running list of the boys I've gone on dates with (I'm at 92, I think).
3. If I were ever to get a tattoo, I'd want Xavier Robert's signature on my butt, just like a Cabbage Patch Kid.
4. I don't have that little thing that attaches my upper lip to my gums, so I could pull my lip up really far. It's pretty gross, but they had to snip that thing (whatever it's called) when I had gum surgery in high school.
5. I have a huge crush on TV News Anchors. I especially love Matt Lauer, but some of our local boys get my heart racing (Matt Grubs!).

10 Years ago:
1. I was a senior in high school and finally feeling like I was coming into my own.
2. I got into a really embarrassing fender-bender coming out of school. This lady had her blinker on, but didn't turn like I expected her to, and I hit her. She was picking up her daughter from school. I didn't know the girl, but she knew me. She was a sophomore in Mr. Goff's English class. Mr. G was the local hottie teacher. I'd never had him as an instructor, but we were kind of pals, so I spent a lot of sixth period in his class flirting with him. He once physically scooped me up and carried me out of his classroom. It was magical. On my eighteenth birthday, he gave me a picture of himself.
3. I was so excited that I got into BYU. The day my letter arrived, I called everyone I knew. It took hours. The next day, I was congratulated on the video announcements in front of the whole school.
4. I thought my English teacher, Mr. Peters, looked exactly like Sting. I pulled out the old senior yearbook the other day and realized that he looked NOTHING like Sting, and was sorely disappointed.
5. I was pretty sure that I'd be married in a couple years. Hahaha!

5 Things on my to do list:
1. Visit India. I have a thing for Indian men. And Bollywood.
2. Get my picture taken professionally. I don't think this has happened since I was a senior, and even though I love the shots of me in my Rastafarian beret, I think it's time for an update. But it seems kind of stupid to just go get your picture taken, doesn't it? I'm waiting till I hit the next big fitness goal. Then I can justify it... possibly.
3. Get over my current heartache.
4. Actually finish all those projects in my craft closet and not buy any more of that junk. I spend way too much money at Michael's and Hobby Lobby, and I could really use the space for something else.
5. Finish writing my novel. Or actually write my novel, beyond the first few chapters, if we're being really honest.

5 Snacks I enjoy:
1. Popcorn
2. Chocolate or Peanut Butter Fiber One Bars
3. Puffy Cheetos
4. Jammy Dodgers and Fruit Tea with Splenda
5. Peaches, always peaches!

5 Things I would do if I was a millionaire:
1. Pay off my house faster.
2. Hire someone to do my landscaping.
3. Take a trip to Poland to actually deliver the hats and scarves I make to the orphanage for the blind.
4. Donate money to Los Lunas High School and BYU for theatre and public relations
5. Use my leisure time for good, but I'd still work.

5 Places I have lived:
1. Ontario, California
2. Los Lunas, New Mexico
3. Provo, Utah
4. Lublin, Poland
5. Salt Lake City, Utah

5 Jobs I have had:
1. Dishwasher at Catering by Ann
2. Reporter/Columnist (Valencia County News Bulletin and the Daily Universe)
3. Linens N Things Window expert
4. PR Guru (University Communications, Excel Entertainment Group, some freelance stuff now)
5. Queen of Insulation (Ray Sego Insulation-- without me, this company would fall apart. And speaking of that, I have to get to work!!)

I tag: Kari, Brecken, Lou and Reuben (hehehe! Reubs, you really ought to do this, even though it's almost as bad as a forwarded email from Bill Gates promising you money)

Globes, Glitter and Massive Mistletoe

My eyes are wide this morning with wonder and delight and a bit of surprise.
I'm laughing to myself that I thought today would be rather light in the work department, but not that surprised that the to-do list suddenly grew a mile long. I'm OK with it. Being busy is being safe.
Last night, two of my besties came over and helped me ditz up the house for the holidays-- I say ditz not to imply dumbing-down, but because it's like Tinkerbell came and put a thick layer of glitter on everything I own. Seriously, my house sparkles like a diamond. Or a 1950s, kitschy store front. It's magical. For those who can, come see it. I should vacuum the stray tinsel though. Even the carpet is glittery at the moment, but that's kind of a mistake.
I've been chuckling this morning as well, because again, I'm getting a taste of my own unimportance in the social scheme of things. I glanced through a friend's facebook album this morning, and saw evidence of countless parties and gatherings I wasn't at. What's more, I wasn't invited. And it's ok. It's just a little funny when you get this idea that you're universally liked, because you love universally, and then realize that lots of people couldn't care less. This is not passive aggressive, nor is it whining. It's just kind of a healthy acknowledgement that any pedestal others put me on crumbled ages ago, but I was too proud to notice. Still, I have what I need. I'm a survivor, and I thank heaven every day for the good friends I DO have.
Still, wouldn't it be nice to find a date for my sister's wedding so I could keep the old crones at bay? Nothing will rob me of happiness for my sister on this most important day, but it does get under my skin when the old bitties decide to lecture me on my singlehood and lack of offspring. Bah. I swallowed my pride and asked a friend to come along, but the look of absolute terror in his eyes had me retreating and revoking the invitation before he could give me a definite no. It was hard to ask, and harder to see his revulsion, but hardest that a time not long ago, I thought I'd have a guaranteed date to the shindig. Oh well. This is desperate, but anyone willing to set me up on the 19th-- please. Please do.